When bad people, people who selfishly hurt and harm others, do us wrong, it is easy to work against those people in positive ways. But when good people wrong us, the situation is much more difficult--how do we counter good people who do us wrong.
On two occasions in my life I've been wronged by good people. These people live good lives, contribute to the greater good, and share my values and hard work for betterment--these people, like me, want a world that supports opportunity and good will for and amongst all. As I look at these people's lives, I can point to lots of good work, positive action, and helpful investment. Yet these people did me wrong--they stood in my way, oppressed me, and hurt me in painful, troubling ways.
What do we do when good people do us wrong? How do we reckon with that?
I've thought a lot about this since I admired these people in many ways. I trusted these people, and looked to them for inspiration. I admired their sacrifices, commitments and good work over time. Yet, when I erred, they were not there for me--instead they exaggerated my error, turned their backs on me, and harmed me more. Why?
In the first case, I still puzzle over the why. It's true that I made a mistake, and it's true that it was an honest mistake with deep roots in my past and present reality. I never intended to make that kind of error--in fact I walked into the problem more ignorant than purposefully hurtful. My intentions were good, but my performance was problematic. I learned a valuable lesson. Yet, this former friend, rather than meet my issue with honesty and compassion, turned against me instead. Seemingly using my fall for his gain--why? I still don't understand it, but have learned to be more cautious when it comes to sharing my most private, intimate self with others. I was too quick to trust this person, too naive when it came to thinking that this person was an honest colleague and friend who was working, like me, to do the best we could on the team.
In the second case, once again I stepped into a situation that created great havoc. That was not my intention--in fact, I thought hard about how to handle the situation, and thought I had a good plan. Yet, my plan backfired greatly, and as in the first case, the person involved turned on me quickly and hatefully. As in the first case, I owned my part with humility--I could see the error in my ways, yet the person involved had no empathy or compassion--their resulting words and actions were hurtful, and still smart today.
In both cases, these are good people--people who spend their days helping others, doing good, yet in my case they acted as insensitive enemies instead. Fortunately, throughout my life, this has only happened twice to me. In most cases when my errors have been unintentional, acknowledged, and repaired, people treat me with empathy, compassion, and understanding. I try to do the same too. I know that we all err, and that it's impossible for us to understand how to act right in every situation. We have to help one another learn how to help each other and do well by each other. No one has the monopoly on good work, right action, or best teamwork--it's a process that we all work at.
So, with these people in mind, while I don't understand their response, I recognize that they are good people who have a lot to give in life--they've touched many lives with grace and promise. I honor that. I will simply have to place these people and situations into a category named "to be understood at a later time." In time, most situations are understood, and these sorry situations have helped me to be more compassionate, kind, and understanding in the face of error, and that is good.
It's easy to dismiss and condemn the acts of people who truly do others wrong with purpose and intent, but it's much more difficult to know how to deal with good people that do you wrong--that's a challenge I'll continue to think about. Onward.