We have celebrations for most of life's passages. These celebrations help us to move from one stage to another with camaraderie, focus, and care. For example we have wedding and baby showers, graduaion ceremonies, college admission meetings, baptisms, marriages, housewarmings, and more. These traditional events give us a roadmap for life. Unfortunately we don't have as many common traditions and celebrations for the last chapter of life. Yes we have end-of-life celebrations with funerals and wakes, but we don't have common last chapter celebrations which results in many of us traveling this road without traditions, camaraderie, and direction. What can we do?
As I travel this road with my 90-year-old parents, I am mindful of what they want and I am all too aware of my own mortality too. How do I want to travel this road, and how do I want to support their journey? What can I do?
I wish we treated last chapters with a similar process to moving a child from high school to college. I wish there were natural places to gather and discuss this time of life, and I wish there was a pattern of choices for older Americans to follow. For example, just as an 18-year-old deals with next step questions about college, joining the military, job training, or work--perhaps at 50, you put your records in order, and at 75 or 80, you make a transition to a more livable long term place for living and care. I'm not sure what this would look like, and in many families, there are already traditions in place. We see some people naturally moving to retirement communities in their late 60's and 70's, and then to more secure care places in their late 80's or early 90's. Some have family traditions of taking a loved one in at a particular age.
But many of us are left with no tradition for this last chapter of life--it's a confusing, worrisome free-for-all of limited choices that leaves us with the question, What's next?
For a planner like me, this has been very difficult. For example, I loved the college search for my sons as I found it to be a find-yourself process. There was lots of great information out there, and my husband, sons, and I embraced the process mostly as an adventure.
I'd like to have the same mindset with regard to helping my parents with their last chapter of life. I'd love to engage in good conversation about how they see this last chapter going, what they hope to do, and how they'd like to ease into the end of life. Yet, end-of-life doesn't bring with it the excitement of going to college. Instead end-of-life is a stark reality especially if you love your life and the people in it. Who wants to reckon with the fact that your long, good life is sailing into its end?
As I think of this from my own perspective, I know that I'd like to help my own loved ones with this process when it comes to me and my life. I want to get my records in order, and make some good choices about my own care and adventures leading to the end. Though we can't predict what our last chapter will be like, we can face it with a spiritual view of what we hope for ourselves and for those we love. Not long ago, my own brother embraced his end-of-life by traveling by motorcycle with his girlfriend all over the United States, celebrating with his children in beautiful places, acting with strength and love, and challenging life's end by getting involved in complex medical trials that were tough, but did buy him more years. When he died, though he wasn't ready and he was young, I do think he had the satisfaction of knowing that he choreographed the end of his life with great satisfaction, love, and peace.
As for my parents, I want to do what I can to make their last chapter to be as graceful and loving as possible. That means I have to listen to their needs, be realistic about what's possible, and keep myself healthy and positive so I can do that. Onward.