A long time ago during a contentious situation with a loved one who I wanted to help, I made a decision to let go. Over many decades, I had done everything I could think of to help this person--I tried all kinds of strategies with little success. Then at a moment in time when things were not working out once again, I decided that it was time to let go, stand back, and not get involved anymore. I didn't blame anyone. I didn't cause any harm. I simply let go and focused my time and energy elsewhere.
Was that the right choice?
Yes, it was. I truly had tried every possible path available, and at that moment, it was clear that my will to help was actually creating more problems than support. I had reached that fork in the road--I wasn't the one who was going to solve that problem. In time, others stepped in and did what they could. I took on a respectful role of care and support as requested, but not a role of trying to project care or support. That was better.
I had a similar experience as an educator once. I really cared for an individual in the organization and wanted to help, but I simply didn't have what the person needed. I had to step back.
And now, I face a situaiton like this again. A friend awakened me to this situation the other day when he essentially said, you only have so much control in this situation--do what you can, but you can't do it all due to the circumstances that exist.
It's difficult to let go when you want to help. It's difficult to watch a problem occur and not be able to support that problem with your insight, knowledge, or desire to be of assistance.
What can you do in situations like this?
First, as I did in the first situation, you do have to be open to multiple paths and try out many solutions--don't give up before you try every possible path of support and help.
And, as with most problems, it's best to work at a solution with others. Rarely are complex problems solved by one person, and more commonly big problems are better served by good collaboration and teamwork. So, if possible, work with a team to solve the problem--figure out with the team how you can maximize your strengths to deal with the problem in the best possible ways.
After that, be upfront--own your weaknesses, be ready to change your ways as needed, and be honest about your perception, capacity, and ideas.
All the while, work with respect. Don't demean or harm others in any way. Follow the Getting to Yes advice, "Go hard on the problem, not the people."
Direct your energy in ways that matter. For example, you may not be able to help out with one problem, but your energy and capacity may be just right for another problem. Help where you can, and where your help is not welcome, hope that others will step in.
Sometimes we do have to let go.
It is painful when that happens, but that's the way it is. Onward.