When fractures occur in relationships, it is painful. Yet our relationships morph and change over time. This is a natural event, and if we don't tend our relationships with care, we will lose those relationships. In some relationships that have ended over time, I wish I had received letters like these when I reached out rather than angry letters or no response.
Response to an apology:
Dear ______________,
Over time we have shared many good times together. Your recent note hurt me deeply and angered me. I felt you crossed a line and did not respect me or my family with the words you wrote. Yet, in hindsight, I wish I had spoken or written to you alone about it rather than share your words with so many people creating distance between you and so many in hurtful ways. In the future, I hope you will not write such a note to me again as that is not your place and that is hurtful. I accept your apology as I trust that you did not intend to hurt or anger me. I hope we can move past this in ways that matter. I value our connection and want it to continue.
Response to lack of communication:
Dear __________________,
I know that I left you out of many of my recent life events after sharing so much of my life with you over so many years. I know you were hurt that I left you out, but I could not share these changes with you because they were so personal, confusing, and heart wrenching, and I didn't want anyone's advice, judgement, or opinion.
Even though you have been a helpful friend and neighbor, I knew that you could not understand these changes so I decided not to share them with you. At this time, the distance between us is necessary given the changes I am dealing with, but that doesn't mean I no longer respect you or think fondly of the many life events we've shared. In time, I hope we can get together to share the many events that impact our lives now, and in the meantime, I wish you well.
Response when life takes you down different paths:
Dear _____________________,
We have enjoyed so many good times in life. I will be forever grateful for the good times we've had, but at this juncture in the road, our lives and perspectives have changed so much. Life's demands and opportunities for both of us are very, very, very different and this makes it so difficult to find common ground, time to get together, and connect. I think we should try to set aside a bit of time each year to see each other and enjoy the kinds of events that have always brought us together such as outdoor explorations, parties, and conversations. I never expected life to take us down such different paths, good paths for both of us, but paths that don't have much in common. We're clearly called in different ways. Know that I'm here to support you should I have what you need, and I know you feel the same way about me.
Response to betrayal:
(In these cases, I misjudged the connections and clearly thought some were allies, when in reality, the relationships were far more competitive than I realized.)
Dear _______________________,
I know that you feel betrayed. I made a choice to act the way I did and I stand by it. I believe you misjudged our relationship thinking that I was committed to you in ways that I was not committed so what you see as betrayal, I see as the natural course of my values, decisions, and direction. This is who I am.
To think deeply about relationships that have soured is to better understand what is needed with regard to relationships you value. How do you tend the relationships you enjoy? What do you do?
First, less words are better. As a person that loves to analyze, critique, and look deeply at issues, I have to be aware of this. Most people prefer less words, less analysis, less critique, and less detail.
Next, acknowledge common joys and pursuits. Good friendships and relationships depend on those common values, joys, and shared events. Make time to do the things you love with the people you care about.
And, be there for each other. Make time to think about the people you care about and try to support those people in kind ways. We can't be all things to all people, but we can reach out to love and support one another in ways that we are able.
When differences or struggles occur, sometimes it is best to take a vacation from one another rather than get angry or argue. Sometimes a little distance can really help out when relationships are strained. Time has a way of making issues more manageable and understandable.
Expect relationships to change as life changes. There's no way that relationships won't change as your life changes because the way you use time, your responsibilities, needs, and interests will change too. You can't expect relationships to change over time.
Prioritize. You can't be best friends with everyone. There simply is not the time or capacity for that. Think about the relationships you value most and work to honor and cherish those connections in ways that matter.
There's lots to learn in these lives we lead, and it's best to be gentle and forgiving to one another in thoughtful, kind ways. No one can be all things, but we can strive to be our best selves as much as possible. Onward.
Response to an apology:
Dear ______________,
Over time we have shared many good times together. Your recent note hurt me deeply and angered me. I felt you crossed a line and did not respect me or my family with the words you wrote. Yet, in hindsight, I wish I had spoken or written to you alone about it rather than share your words with so many people creating distance between you and so many in hurtful ways. In the future, I hope you will not write such a note to me again as that is not your place and that is hurtful. I accept your apology as I trust that you did not intend to hurt or anger me. I hope we can move past this in ways that matter. I value our connection and want it to continue.
Response to lack of communication:
Dear __________________,
I know that I left you out of many of my recent life events after sharing so much of my life with you over so many years. I know you were hurt that I left you out, but I could not share these changes with you because they were so personal, confusing, and heart wrenching, and I didn't want anyone's advice, judgement, or opinion.
Even though you have been a helpful friend and neighbor, I knew that you could not understand these changes so I decided not to share them with you. At this time, the distance between us is necessary given the changes I am dealing with, but that doesn't mean I no longer respect you or think fondly of the many life events we've shared. In time, I hope we can get together to share the many events that impact our lives now, and in the meantime, I wish you well.
Response when life takes you down different paths:
Dear _____________________,
We have enjoyed so many good times in life. I will be forever grateful for the good times we've had, but at this juncture in the road, our lives and perspectives have changed so much. Life's demands and opportunities for both of us are very, very, very different and this makes it so difficult to find common ground, time to get together, and connect. I think we should try to set aside a bit of time each year to see each other and enjoy the kinds of events that have always brought us together such as outdoor explorations, parties, and conversations. I never expected life to take us down such different paths, good paths for both of us, but paths that don't have much in common. We're clearly called in different ways. Know that I'm here to support you should I have what you need, and I know you feel the same way about me.
Response to betrayal:
(In these cases, I misjudged the connections and clearly thought some were allies, when in reality, the relationships were far more competitive than I realized.)
Dear _______________________,
I know that you feel betrayed. I made a choice to act the way I did and I stand by it. I believe you misjudged our relationship thinking that I was committed to you in ways that I was not committed so what you see as betrayal, I see as the natural course of my values, decisions, and direction. This is who I am.
To think deeply about relationships that have soured is to better understand what is needed with regard to relationships you value. How do you tend the relationships you enjoy? What do you do?
First, less words are better. As a person that loves to analyze, critique, and look deeply at issues, I have to be aware of this. Most people prefer less words, less analysis, less critique, and less detail.
Next, acknowledge common joys and pursuits. Good friendships and relationships depend on those common values, joys, and shared events. Make time to do the things you love with the people you care about.
And, be there for each other. Make time to think about the people you care about and try to support those people in kind ways. We can't be all things to all people, but we can reach out to love and support one another in ways that we are able.
When differences or struggles occur, sometimes it is best to take a vacation from one another rather than get angry or argue. Sometimes a little distance can really help out when relationships are strained. Time has a way of making issues more manageable and understandable.
Expect relationships to change as life changes. There's no way that relationships won't change as your life changes because the way you use time, your responsibilities, needs, and interests will change too. You can't expect relationships to change over time.
Prioritize. You can't be best friends with everyone. There simply is not the time or capacity for that. Think about the relationships you value most and work to honor and cherish those connections in ways that matter.
There's lots to learn in these lives we lead, and it's best to be gentle and forgiving to one another in thoughtful, kind ways. No one can be all things, but we can strive to be our best selves as much as possible. Onward.