I had a nice walk with a friend I value the other day. We talked a lot about building strong family culture. As the mother of adult children, this is important to me. What can I do?
I found a list of attributes of weak family culture, and decided to start there with the thought being how can I make sure these attributes do not seep into the family culture I promote. Here goes.
Lying
Some people accept lying. I don't.
Blaming
We have to look at ourselves when there are problems to see what we can do. We also have to work together and compromise.
Criticize
We have to work to support one another, maximize each other's strengths, and help one another. Constant criticizing does no one any good.
Manipulating
Straight talk, transparency, and honesty trump manipulation of any kind.
Overreacting
As a worrier, I have to be mindful of this and work to reduce to overreaction--that just elevates the struggles.
Invalidating or Ignoring Feelings
We have to take each other's feelings seriously. We're all coming at life with a somewhat different perspective and we have to respect that.
Passive-aggressive behavior (such as the silent treatment, deliberate procrastination, or criticism disguised as a compliment)
Again straight forward conversation, transparency, and openness will help in this situation.
Gaslighting (a powerful form of manipulation that makes you doubt your perception of what's going on)
We have to take each person seriously, not manipulate them.
Refusing to compromise
I can be head strong, and this is an area I need to consider. I need to work for the compromise in family situations.
Yelling, cursing, or calling you names
Some of us grew up in situations where this occurred, we have to unlearn these behaviors as it does no one any good.
Gossiping or speaking ill of you behind your back
In families where straight talk and transparency have not been a mainstay, gossip and talking behind people's backs may have become a pattern. You have to put an end to that and foster positive communication skills.
Belittling your values, beliefs, choices
I wish I had learned about this at an earlier age. Instead many of my influences in life saw differences as competition rather than simply differences--there was value added to people's differences rather than seeing people's differences as simply differences. If we can be open minded to people's different values, beliefs, and choices we actually broaden our own world and experience of life, and this is good. So, instead, we have to demonstrate curiosity and embrace the differences our family members bring to the table. We also have to make the time to understand our own values, beliefs, and choices well--we have to value who we are too.
Making unreasonable demands
When we feel pressure, we have to step back and consider what is reasonable for us. We all have different limitations and we have to respect that.
Expecting you to help them, but they aren't available to help you
Strong family culture is a two-way street. We have to help one another.
Threatening suicide or self harm in order to get their way
While this sounds dramatic, it does happen, and when it happens, you have to wait until the threats pass and work with that person to get them the help they need.
Ruining holidays and special occasions
Good family culture works together to make holidays and special occasions meaningful to all involved.
Playing the victim
If a family member plays the victim, you have to get underneath that.
Not taking responsibility for their own behavior
We all have to take responsibility for our own behavior.
Refusing to apologize and if they do, it's shallow, coerced, or fake
We have to own our error
Lacking genuine concern or interest in you or your life
We have to make time to demonstrate authentic, genuine concern and interest in the lives of those in our families.
Volatile or unpredictable moods and behaviors
When this occurs in family members, we have to try to help them get help. This is a sign of a deeper problem or issue, and typically, with help, this can be remedied.
Interacting with them makes you feel worse
If you leave a family gathering feeling bad all the time, you need to figure out why that's happening. Sometimes simply changing the type of events you gather for will make a difference.
They are always right (and you are always wrong)
No one is always right or wrong--if this happens, you have to get underneath it.
I think this is a good short list about what creates poor family culture and what you can do instead. I'll likely think more on this in the days to come.
I found a list of attributes of weak family culture, and decided to start there with the thought being how can I make sure these attributes do not seep into the family culture I promote. Here goes.
Lying
Some people accept lying. I don't.
Blaming
We have to look at ourselves when there are problems to see what we can do. We also have to work together and compromise.
Criticize
We have to work to support one another, maximize each other's strengths, and help one another. Constant criticizing does no one any good.
Manipulating
Straight talk, transparency, and honesty trump manipulation of any kind.
Overreacting
As a worrier, I have to be mindful of this and work to reduce to overreaction--that just elevates the struggles.
Invalidating or Ignoring Feelings
We have to take each other's feelings seriously. We're all coming at life with a somewhat different perspective and we have to respect that.
Passive-aggressive behavior (such as the silent treatment, deliberate procrastination, or criticism disguised as a compliment)
Again straight forward conversation, transparency, and openness will help in this situation.
Gaslighting (a powerful form of manipulation that makes you doubt your perception of what's going on)
We have to take each person seriously, not manipulate them.
Refusing to compromise
I can be head strong, and this is an area I need to consider. I need to work for the compromise in family situations.
Yelling, cursing, or calling you names
Some of us grew up in situations where this occurred, we have to unlearn these behaviors as it does no one any good.
Gossiping or speaking ill of you behind your back
In families where straight talk and transparency have not been a mainstay, gossip and talking behind people's backs may have become a pattern. You have to put an end to that and foster positive communication skills.
Belittling your values, beliefs, choices
I wish I had learned about this at an earlier age. Instead many of my influences in life saw differences as competition rather than simply differences--there was value added to people's differences rather than seeing people's differences as simply differences. If we can be open minded to people's different values, beliefs, and choices we actually broaden our own world and experience of life, and this is good. So, instead, we have to demonstrate curiosity and embrace the differences our family members bring to the table. We also have to make the time to understand our own values, beliefs, and choices well--we have to value who we are too.
Making unreasonable demands
When we feel pressure, we have to step back and consider what is reasonable for us. We all have different limitations and we have to respect that.
Expecting you to help them, but they aren't available to help you
Strong family culture is a two-way street. We have to help one another.
Threatening suicide or self harm in order to get their way
While this sounds dramatic, it does happen, and when it happens, you have to wait until the threats pass and work with that person to get them the help they need.
Ruining holidays and special occasions
Good family culture works together to make holidays and special occasions meaningful to all involved.
Playing the victim
If a family member plays the victim, you have to get underneath that.
Not taking responsibility for their own behavior
We all have to take responsibility for our own behavior.
Refusing to apologize and if they do, it's shallow, coerced, or fake
We have to own our error
Lacking genuine concern or interest in you or your life
We have to make time to demonstrate authentic, genuine concern and interest in the lives of those in our families.
Volatile or unpredictable moods and behaviors
When this occurs in family members, we have to try to help them get help. This is a sign of a deeper problem or issue, and typically, with help, this can be remedied.
Interacting with them makes you feel worse
If you leave a family gathering feeling bad all the time, you need to figure out why that's happening. Sometimes simply changing the type of events you gather for will make a difference.
They are always right (and you are always wrong)
No one is always right or wrong--if this happens, you have to get underneath it.
I think this is a good short list about what creates poor family culture and what you can do instead. I'll likely think more on this in the days to come.