As a teacher and mother, I learned that if we let our children and students suffer the result of bad choices, mistakes, or need for change, we make them stronger and better for the future. Our inclination is to save our children, loved ones, and students pain, but some pain is positive.
I thought of this recently as I watched a loved one struggle. Of course, I offered my help, but this wonderful person wasn't ready to ask for help or receive support. He clearly needed to exist in the painful situation for a while in order to determine next steps, ask for help, or take support.
I'm sure that's happened to you too. I'm sure that you've been in a painful situation and resisted people's offers of help and support. I'm sure you simply knew you needed to make sense of the pain--understand why it was happening and what you can do. I remember a time when this happened to me during a sad break-up. Although the situation was painful, it was clear that it was an experience that had to happen. The relationship clearly was not meant to last a long time for many, many reasons.
During the break-up, there was no way that anyone could help. I needed to find my way through that swampy situation of tears, sleeplessness, and sadness. In the end, I was able to make sense of it all and move through it with greater strength and capacity for future relationships.
Sometimes it is more difficult to watch a love one struggle and suffer than to struggle and suffer yourself. It's difficult to stand by and watch this even when you recognize that the suffering and struggle is a necessary step to positive change. The best you can do in these situations is to be present, offer your support, and do what you can to offer comfort.
I remember that during the painful break-up I experienced so long ago, one kind friend simply offered a few words of comfort and a warm hand on my shoulder. It was a small gesture that was exactly what I needed. As I write about that now, I can still feel that warm hand on my shoulder, and every time I see this kind person, I feel that warmth and outreach. He, like me, knew that the break-up was the right chocie. He felt my pain, and his simple gesture was the single most valuable support I had during that time.
Pain is part of the life journey. None of us look forward to pain, but most of us can point to a painful life experience that helped us move ahead in life in positive, significanat ways. Onward.