I have a friend who is the best when it comes to preserving relationships--how did she gain such a skill? This woman does not get caught in the trap of too-high expectations by meeting people where they are at. She also makes sure that she nurtures those relationships closest to her, relationships that sometimes change over time. And, she is a forgiving person. This friend is a good model to follow when it comes to preserving relationships.
As a young child, family members warned me about giving up on friendships too easily, but the warning didn't come with deeper, more targeted strategy in this realm. Sometimes relationships are tough to navigate, but there are a few simple rules that can help.
- Know your friends and relatives well, and let them speak and act for themselves. Too often we may step in and act on behalf of a friend with our own perspective and not their's. It's important to not do this and let your friends and relatives speak and act for themselves.
- Don't expect to be all that your friend or relative needs, and don't expect any single friend or relative to meet all your needs either. Give each other space to be there when and where they can, and to not be there when that's the situation too.
- Understand that relationships change, and flexibly change with that relationship variability. Like any organism, relationships are not stagnant, but instead a living, breathing organism that change all the time. Be ready for that.
- Be respectful, kind, honest, and loving with your relatioships. Even if you can't be there for a friend due to circumstances, you can always be a loving presence whether you are close or far away.
- Do what you can, and don't harbor harmful guilt about what you can't do. That guilt can translate to all kinds of less than positive actions--don't let it.
As I think of the many, varied relationships I've had over time, I notice that the ones that suffered did so because I became too worried, overinvolved, and less sensitive and sympathetic. I wasn't patient enough when those relationships met with obstacles. Now I want to be much more patient.
As I look at friends and their relationships, I notice the same thing. Their relationships suffered when they didn't have the patience or they harbored too much guilt.
Of course, there are relationships that simply have to end because of physical and psychological danger--you can't carry on a relationship that is destructive to you or those you love, but in most cases it is good to preserve our relationships in the ways that we can. Onward.