Over my lifetime, I have mostly been extremely busy so when with people who were really sad, I paid attention, but I was also distracted by the mountain of tasks before me. Lately, however, with more time, I've been able to expericence others' sadness with greater attenion and focus. It is difficult to be up and close to another's sadness. My first instinct is to fix it, but sadness, in most ways, cannot be fixed. Some sadness heals with time, but there seems to be some sadness that does not necessarily heal with time.
I find it strange that I got to be this old without considering sadness with any depth before. Perhaps this is because most of the people I've lost most in my life are still alive and living fully, and probably, the gravest sadness comes from losing someone you love dearly.
How have I experienced sadness in my life?
As an educator, some children I taught were very sad. The deepest sadness I experienced with children in school was sadness due to a lost parent Children who experienced a significant loss of a parent or another very close loved one brought their sadness with them. That sadness didn't show up all the time, but it was there often--you could see it in their eyes, their posture, and the way they held themselves now and then. Less often, you could hear it in their words too. I always felt like those children's lost parents and loved ones were in the room too--there seemed to be a spiritual presence related to that sadness.
In my personal life, I experienced sadness via break-ups, lost opportunities, and loneliness from time to time. I also remember a time when I was about 12 and my mom was gravely ill--my dad was very sad. And when we lost beloved grandparents, uncles, aunts, and my brother, Paul--there was a lot of sadness. Recently I attended the funeral of a friend's dad--the sadness was palpable. Sadness, while in our midst all the time, often takes a back seat to the happy, vibrant lives most of us lead--lives filled with activity, goals, and connections.
Recently I've noticed that the sadness I experience via others stays with me longer. In fact, this morning I woke up with a related dream and then began thinking about this well of sadness I've experienced through the pain of loved ones facing illness and loss. How do we reckon with this sadness? What do we do with it?
While sadness and depression are different, the two overlap. This article offered some good advice on how to help a loved one who is sad, and this article had some specific advice related to the sadness I noticed with my loved one.
Most of us want to help when people we love are sad. I'll read more about this in the days ahead, and do what I can to be a support. Onward.