Troubing times will happen, and for each of us, what we define as a troubling time will differ. For me, I've fairly accepting of the big tragedies that strike. Those tragedies are outside of my influence, so I'm quick to assess the damage and begin picking up the pieces. The most troubling times for me are the small matters of discountent, hurt, and harm--matters that I could have possibly prevented. I hyper-analyze those matters so that I do better the next time.
I remember when I was a young girl and I unintentionaly hurt a friend. My motives were good, but my skills were bad, and my friend literally had a painful tangle that resulted in injury. Though the injury was minor, I was so upset with myself for causing such harm to a person I deeply cared about. "How could I be so stupid," I thought. In the end, my friend was forgiving and the minor injury repaired.
As a mom, it was these small matters that made me the most upset. I remember once when I miscalculated the schedule and my son missed an important event. He was very upset and I was even more upset. How could I have hurt my son in that way--why didn't I remember that event--an event he was looking forward to. Yet, when one son landed in the emergency room for a grave illness, in many ways I was far less upset. It was out of my hands and I sprang to action to do what I could to make him well again.
The best we can do with troubling events is to make some sense of those events, pick up the pieces, and move on. Recently I was part of a series of troubling event. Each time, I thought the situation would remedy itself, and each time the situation became worse. My response to what was happening was clearly ill-directed. It was like digging a deep hole with one shovel-full of missteps after another. I felt weak and frustrated by my inability to navigate this situation--I couldn't make sense of it because all that I thought was true turned out not to be true. I was, in many ways, completely baffled.
Now, some time later, though my efforts still seem to be supporting a deep hole rather than a rise to the surface, I do see the situation with a bit more clarity knowing that I have to start at ground zero again to begin figuring out what's really happening. I need to listen more, observe more, and act on my own behalf more to do what I can. It has been a painful, hurtful, frustrating chapter, and like every other similar chapter in my life, it seemed to arrive without a lot of anticipation. Too often, I'm like that kid playing in the ocean waves unaware that the rogue wave is about to take me down.
There was a time like this as an educator--no matter what route I tried with a particular situation, I met with failure, and believe, I tried multiple routes to solve the problem. I labored over the situation, and I'm still curious as to how it will turn out over time. I'm not sorry that I tried, but I am sorry that I didn't make much traction with that particular situation. Perhaps the same will be true of this situation too. I've not read a lot about people's feelings regarding those dead-end situations in their lives--the situations that they never really succeed at. I'll have to study up on that.
In the meantime, I'll pick up the pieces and begin to see the situation anew in the following ways:
- Do what I can
- Distance myself from the negativity, lack of support, disrespect
- Surround myself with the good that's available, and there is a lot of good available (thank goodness!)
- Hope that, in time, I'll understand the situation more and be able to come to peace with it.