It's a tough switch to go from being cared for by our loved ones to caring for our loved ones. This switch carries with it a lot of emotion, decision making, and sensitivity. How can we do this in a loving, positive way, and why do we need to do it?
As our older loved ones age, some will face great compromise with regard to their physical and/or mental accuity. Some will no longer be able to engage in many physical or cognitive activities they engaged in during the past. There will be a continuum for our parents that runs from full acceptance of these compromises to full denial, and as their loved ones, we'll have to meet them where they are.
It can feel very uncomfortable dealing with parents or aging loved ones who knowingly or unknowingly deny their compromises. For example a parent may lose sight of the importance of a healthy diet, regular activity, medical attention, rest, and respectful words or behaviors. At times like these, you have to decide if it's worth the intervention.
Recently I encountered the rapid repetition of challenging statements from an elderly loved one. I tried all kinds of responses, and later read about such a barage. The key is to change the subject if possible to make the exchange more positive and comfortable.
One challenge of this parent-child-like switch is the unknowns that occur--you simply can't anticipate every event that will occur. For example, yesterday I simply switched the vehicle we were driving in and that caused all kinds of confusion. That was unexpected. You have to expect the unexpected in these situations and be ready to take a deep breath, re-think the situation, and act with a focus on safety, positivity, and good health.
Also, unlike parenting children, there is less of a cohesive community when it comes to caring for the older persons in your life. One reason that this is true is that there's mixed emotions when it comes to the aging process. The aging process is not embraced with positivity from all, and there's such a mix of experiences that come with aging--there's far greater variability than what's associated with parenting children.
So as I write and think about this, I am reminded that the following efforts do help in this situation.
Put respect and love first
Use respectful, loving actions and words no matter what you have to say or do.
Prioritize health and safety
Even though many elderly people may not choose well for themselves when it comes to health and safety, it's important to choose that for them. Don't argue, but instead, and if possible, simply make the healthy, safe choice.
No one is superhuman
Eldercare can push you beyond your limits. Rather than become exasperated, try to do what you can, and take a break when the demands are too great.
Choose as well as you can
There's a lot of trial-and-error when it comes to elder care. For starters, care needs are always changing. What works one day may not work the next. And it's not always easy to know what will work and what won't work. For example, at a recent getaway, I realized more about the kinds of adventures that work and don't work. What I thought would work well resulted in a number of unanticipated challenges including the type of place we stayed in to the distance to the needed physicality for the planned events. Let's just say the trip was an eye-opener, and probably a good, rich dose of being together which helped me understand my loved one's needs and capacity more.
Advocate for better elder care and knowledge
Learn as much as you can and advocate for the best possible elder care resources and help.
Acknowledge their feelings
It's okay to acknowledge their feelings of sadness, confusion, or frustration with simple statements such as, "I realize this is confusing" or "I understand how that can make you angry."
Caring for compromised loved ones is often a challenging and lonely endeavor. It's good to find a team to work with in this endeavor as you support the safest, happiest, healthiest possible chapter for their lives (and your's). Onward.