Dad said, "You know I'm still alive!" today when I mentioned an idea that I thought might be helpful. Once again, during a conversation with dad, I was brought back to the moment depicted above from the Clint Eastwood movie, Grand Torino. My dad is a big Clint Eastwood fan, and like the characters Eastwood plays and probably like Eastwood himself, my dad is stubbornly independent and self sufficient.
As I watch my parents live, I think a lot about how I hope to grow old and the kind of life I want to lead. My father's fierce independence finds him golfing, caring for his home, yard and wife, cooking, spending time with friends, and doing errands regularly. He doesn't want anyone telling him what to do, and he's proudly generous, up-to-date with the latest news, and taking charge of his health.
As his daughter, I find it a bit challenging to strike the right balance of helping out and respecting his independence. I wonder how I might make that balance easier for my children when I get to my parents' stage. Some ideas that I've come up with so far include living in a place with walkability so I won't have to use a car much. Also I think it will be helpful to have a simple place to live with not a lot of things to take care of. I'd also like to live in a place with people of many ages with good culture, wonderful natural places, and sociability. Retirement homes and condos don't attract me at this point, but instead, I think of small cities with good culture and wonderful natural spaces instead. Time will tell.
The place that I live in now actually offers a lot of what I like--it's fairly private, bordered by conservation lands, and walking distance to a coffee shop and library. The one drawback is that it's a bit busier than I like--I'm attracted to places with smaller populations. Time will tell if I move to a place like that or not.
Watching my parents inspires me to follow their aging lead in a lot of ways including a positive attitude. Despite some challenges, my mom has stayed very positive. That's good. They also demonstrate a lot of concern and care for others--they are generous and welcoming. Further they have a good sense of priorities putting a welcoming home, family, and good health first.
My mom is great at graciously accepting help and support, but my dad is resistant to much influence on his daily living. He wants to do it his way. I suspect I'll fall somewhere in the middle of their aging mindsets and attitudes.
Clint Eastwood's characters' fierce sense of independence in both Grand Torino and The Mule demonstrate the ups and downs of aging with fierce independence and courage. That's not unlike my dad's approach to life. Those movies provide one example of aging. I've yet to see a good movie that depicts the way my mom approaches life in her nineties. I'll be on the lookout for that. Americans are living long lives, and in many ways those ten to twenty years ahead of me are laying new paths to what it means to grow old in America--I'm observing these paths and making some decisions about my own next chapter at the same time.
I know I'd like to grow old gracefully and be a welcome guest at my children's and grandchildren's homes and in their lives. I'll be thinking about what that means.