I remember once when I was a new mother, and a stranger came up to me to give me advice about how to care for my baby. I listened, but was angry that someone who didn't know me would come up to me to give me advice.
As I think back to the situation, I remember that I was quite nervous and worried during those early days of motherhood with my first child. I wanted to be the best possible mom as I met with a host of new challenges while I embarking on life with a baby for the first time. Every step of the way was new, and when that stranger came up to me to give me advice, I felt like a bad mom and was taken aback by the abrasive comment.
In hindsight, the stranger's advice was actually good advice--advice I did follow after that day. My frustration was due to my worries that I wasn't doing the job well enough and the stranger's abrasive delivery of the advice.
I thought about this today as I thought about my advice for a number of events happening now--my advice from the sidelines.
Should we provide advice from the sidelines?
Should we listen to advice from the sidelines?
If we accept this advice, how should we decipher it so that we are truly accepting helpful advice?
If we are giving this advice, how should we provide this advice?
Not too long ago, I witnessed a dad losing his cool with his very young daughter. He was making a spectacle in a public place. I wanted to interfere as I could see he was too upset and the child was struggling. I remembered moments like that when I was a new mom, and I had a good idea about what was causing this unrest. Yet, I remembered back when I received the advice from a stranger as a new mom. I watched the situation for a bit more time as did others, and eventually the dad calmed down with the help of the mom, and the child became calmer too. To me it seemed like the parents had planned what they thought would be a fun day at the beach, but as new parents they didn't anticipate the preparation, timing, and plans required for a happy day at the beach with young children. So many new parents don't realize the need for positive routines when it comes to children's happiness, and too many think that they can continue their married-without-children schedules when children arrive. This often leads to discontent for parents and children alike. Hence, when the child began to feel and express discomfort, the dad didn't know what to do, and rather than peacefully responding to the child, the dad appeared to get angry--his will to engage his family in a nice day was ruined, and the poor child, who like all children require a healthy schedule, struggled.
In the end, I was glad I didn't interfere, but I still felt bad for the family. After my years of experience with children, I had a fairly good idea about how to settle that little girl down. I had a good sense of what would make for a happier family situation for what seemed like a good, caring family. Yet, I was on the sidelines, and we have to be cautious about providing advice from the sidelines.
So, the first consideration is to determine whether it is a good idea to provide advice, and the second consideration is to decide how to provide that advice if you think it is worthwhile.
Recently, I wrote a letter of advice to a group I am no longer involved with. I debated whether I should write the note or not since I realized it could be interpreted as sour grapes, but eventually, I decided to write the note because I thought it was important that the people involved understand my point of view, a point of view that might affect their decision making in the future in a positive way. To not speak up might mean that they would never consider this perspective, a perspective that might improve matters for others.
When we express our thoughts from the sidelines, we can express that with sensitivity using humor, questioning, and empathy. We can also acknowledge that we don't have all the answers, but, perhaps, our perspective may help.
Also, we have to make sure that we are doing our part too. We can't simply offer advice without any action--we have to make sure that we act as much as we advise. There's nothing worse than advisors who continually tell you what to do without any realtime investment to back up their advice. For example, educators often receive advice from those who truly don't understand what happens in a classroom setting. That advice is typically more burdensome than helpful. Advice without real time experience is often not good advice.
As a listener, I think that it's always good to consider the advice from the sidelines without sensitivity or guilt. When we listen to advice-givers, we can coach ourselves forward by recognizing that to learn something new doesn't mean you aren't doing your best job now. When you listen to this news, you might let questions like these help you to understand the news:
- Is this advice accurate?
- Will this advice spell greater success, happiness, or health?
- Does the advice-giver have the kind of experience and perspective that makes this advice helpful?
- Do I need to research the truth of this advice more?
- Is this advice I can respectfully ignore?