Last year I was very excited about Thanksgiving. We were invited to a relative's house and all of our family members were going to be there. I was looking forward to seeing everyone. I was also exhausted because I was working very hard at the time, and I was busy preparing foods for the festivities. I anticipated the holiday and reached out to family members with a few questions and ideas in advance of the event. Unintentionally, what I thought to be a helpful email resulted in anger and hurt feelings. I unknowingly overstepped which created a domino effect of anger and frustration. It was so bad that some family members did not show up at the Thanksgiving dinner. What was worse was that I didn't even know that this was happening. All through the Thanksgiving Day event, things seemed strange--people weren't as friendly as they usually were. Finally, I asked someone what was going on and they told me that my email had created great strife. I was very upset as I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I was upset that no one had told me what was going on. It was not what I expected, and what was a terrific meal in a beautiful home became a trying holiday event.
This wasn't the first time I was at the center of a ruined holiday. It happened once before when I was a teenager. Again, I was expecting a wonderful holiday. I helped out with the preparations. I looked forward to my mom's delicious foods, my father's wise words, and a table filled with my loved ones on that special Thanksgiving. Then an unexpected series of troubling events occurred. I didn't cause those events, but the way I reacted didn't help either. I became very upset as what I imagined to be a wonderful holiday event turned into an upsetting time.
Thinking about both of these events, only two out of sixty-one Thanksgivings, makes me not want to repeat such events. How do we ensure that we don't ruin the holidays?
Mind your manners
If you mind your manners, you won't ruin the holidays. In hindsight, I never should have sent the email. I did overstep. And though it was unintentional, I learned an important lesson about relationships and share. We have to be very cautious about the words we use; we have to be mindful of the reality of our relationships, and we have to always speak and act with respect. Good manners and etiquette matter.
Grateful
We have to be grateful for the people we celebrate with and places where we celebrate. It's important to acknowledge those that are cooking for you and inviting you into their homes. To bring or send a small gift, help out in the kitchen, and share words of gratitude and acknowledgement are ways to demonstrate your thankfulness.
Generous
Rather than find fault, look for ways to be kind and generous. You can be generous with words, small gifts, and the way you use your time at that gathering. Offer to hold the baby, walk the dog, engage in a game, clean the dishes, or help out with the cooking. That helps. Prior to the event, reach out to see how you might help out to make the event doable and enjoyable for all.
Flexibility
As a dreamer, I often imagine the details of upcoming events only to be disappointed when the event doesn't turn out exactly as I imagined. If we have a more flexible attitude towards events, we enjoy those events more. When I was a teen I got upset because my expectations were squashed. The event wasn't turning out as I expected. I didn't have to get upset, however. Instead I could have helped to rework the event or I could have just stepped away and reworked my expectations by acknowledging what was happening and rethinking how to deal with it. A loose-tight attitude toward holiday expectations help.
For example, this year with the pandemic, we will need to be more flexible and open minded than ever before as we plan intimate affairs with a focus on safety. Thanksgiving plans are likely to keep changing as family members get tested for COVID, deal with changing travel plans, and make the most of the holiday during a pandemic. I'm planning a flexible event for my most intimate family members--a group of six. I'm anticipating change, so I'll have lots of choices available and just flow with how the event rolls out.
Know what you need
Sometimes at holidays, we think we can do more than we can do, and this results in frustration and exhaustion. It's important to be realistic about what you can do. For example, looking back at holidays I hosted when I had small children, I realize that I was often too tired to enjoy the holiday. I wasn't realistic about the planning. i was trying to replicate events my mother and mother-in-law hosted at times when they did not have young children. That was impossible. You have to realistically recognize what you can and cannot do, then set priorities. At another time, I was trying to be very helpful and offered to watch all the children while the rest of the adults went off for a good time. When the adults came back happy and spirited, I was resentful. My offer to be generous actually worked against my need for a little adult time too. It's important to understand what we need and make sure we meet those needs in some way so we can enjoy the holidays.
Don't overcommit
At our most energized times, we may promise more than we can do. It's essential that you are realistic with regard to holiday commitments. Don't promise to spend more money than you have or do more than time permits. This only results in frustration and potentially takes away from the holiday spirit. Instead be more realistic and creative--promise what you can do instead.
See the big picture
Holidays are an opportunity to celebrate the company of those we love and care about. Holidays are also a time to acknowledge special aspects of our lives, traditions, religions, and beliefs. It's important to reflect on the big picture meaning of each holiday prior to the event. For example, Thanksgiving is an opportunity to be grateful for what we have, who we love, and the world we live in. Find ways to make gratitude a significant part of the celebration. Don't lose sight of a holiday's meaning or the desire to stay close to those you love.
When you see the big picture, mind your manners, demonstrate gratitude, and do your part, you don't ruin the holidays, but instead contribute to valued traditions that help to keep us close and caring. Happy Thanksgiving!