As a child, we had many an idea-focused conversation at the dinner table. Whenever I would complain, my dad would say, "Don't complain, act on it." I have carried those words with me throughout my life and used them time and again to make good decisions and do good work. Yet, in my older years, I have come to both agree and disagree with those words.
Agree
I agree with the words because to simply complain over and over again does no one any good. For example, recently in a conversation with a good friend, I bascially told the friend I no longer wanted to hear him complain about particular political efforts if he wasn't going to act in some way. I suggested that he make donations, write an editorial, host a podcast, or write to his elected officials. This friend is bright and knowledgeable. His perspectives, background, and experience provide valuable insights as to how to better our country in meaningful ways, but if he only shares those ideas with a few and does not act in a more impactful way, I fear that his complaints will not translate into positive change.
Disagree
While my dad's advice held great meaning and potential, it was missing a key ingredient which was to help me translate complaints into action. Our first instincts when something is wrong is to complain, but often we don't know how to take the next step. We don't know what to do, and sometimes if someone simply tells us to stop complaining, the problem remains and we continue to be frustrated instead simply because we don't have the experience or capacity to act.
In my early years of teaching, I sought help with a problem in my midst. Everywhere I turned, people told me to make the best of it--no one helped and instead, just labeled me a complainer. In time, I was able to find some support outside of the system, and then found a path that worked. However, had people in the system taken me seriously, I believe the change could have occured in a more timely, better, and long lasting way.
Looking back and looking more closely at those who labeled me a complainer at the time, I recongize that these people had no interest in growing the area of concern in ways that truly uplift education for children. Instead, this circle of people who were mostly men, were more interested in their own prestige, privilege, and power--their work demonstrated little effort to improve systems for students. At the time, I could not see that. I saw the way they belittled my ideas to be truthful and signaled that my ideas were not of value. Now as I see ideas similar to the ones I was expressing positively take root in many places with good gains, I recognize that it was not my ideas that were the problem, but the fact that no one was invested in that change enough to help me translate the complaints and ideas into real action--if they had worked with me, rather than silence me, I think we could have created something worthy.
We all have to be careful and thoughtful about where our efforts to stem criticism come from. We also have to help "complainers" identify ways to translate their complaints into viable actions.
For example, after a terrible meeting with leadership once, I sought out the advice of a union representative. That representative basically told me to suck it up and live with the problem. Imagine if he had dealt with the situation differently by helping me to create a path to betterment rather than to leave me mired in complaint. Looking back, he could have helped me identify what the problem was and create steps to change. That would have been so positive--I needed that.
So, with complaining, in mind, I offer the following process.
- Acknowledge the complaing. Example: I noticed that you were very unhappy after the curriculum meeting, why? What exactly bothered you?
- Understand the complainer's vision: What would have been a better situation--if you were in charge, how would you have handled it?
- Make a plan for change. With that in mind, what can we do to try out your idea, to test it?
- Test the idea in a small way?
- Meet again to review, discuss, and look for incremental steps to change.
- Acknowledge that with good process complaints can become promising solutions--work with those with complaints to give them greater voice, choice, and leadership over the areas they care so much about.