I read a number of articles about helping out this weekend. I agreed with some, but not with others. What did I learn?
When you help, you have to make sure that you are centered on the persons you are helping more than your own needs or desires. For example, if you visit a relative and help out by making your favorite meal, that may serve you well, but not your relative. To truly help, you need to think about what they enjoy having for a meal.
You also have to be a very good listener and observer when you are a helper. Often the people you are helping may not be able to directly express what they need, but instead demonstrate that through their storytelling or actions.
There's not a lot of room for lots of talk when helping out--the best help is action-oriented rather than conversive.
And, as a friend reminded me, positivity is integral to being a good helper. There's little room for negativity when helping out. Stay positive, look forward, and find the silver linings along the way.
Some articles I read discussed the underlying rationales for helping out. I both agreed and disagreed with those articles. I agree that to be a good helper, you do have to take care of yourself, but I didn't agree with articles that negated the positivity of helping out, being there, and forming communities of helpers. I do believe that when we create communities of helpers, we are all stronger and happier--both helpers and those helped. Helping out is a good thing.
I also know that to help or not to help should not be a source of guilt for anyone. Sometimes, you simply don't have the time, energy, or ability to help out. I've been there, and that's a difficult place to be. Sometimes you're stretched so thin that the best you can do is to keep your own head above water, but then there are other times, when you do have the time, energy, and ability to help--to be able to help in meaningful and significant ways is a grace and a gift. It feels good to be able to help, and when that help is targeted right, people appreciate the support.
It is an art to be a good helper. I remember times in my life when I received substantial, positive help, and times when the help was ill-directed or hurtful rather than helpful. Once, after experiencing a miscarriage, a loving relative had the exact right words and actions to help me--she brought a small gift, offered to do what she good, and was so warm and loving. That was perfect! At another time, when experiencing a personal struggle, a friend gave me lots and lots of advice, but no real support--that felt burdensome and added to the struggle rather than the recovery.
As the oldest child in my family, a resident assistant in college, a subordinate in multiple organizations, an educator, and a mom, I've spent my life helping. In every situation, the best kind of help differed in some ways. As the oldest child in a big family, helping mostly meant taking care of younger siblings, doing household chores, or helping out with elderly relatives. As a resident assistant, it meant making sure students had what they needed in safe and responsive ways. In the office jobs, there were a large variety of tasks, and as a teacher and mom, it meant helping children learn, acquire their basic needs, and engage in meaningful, beneficial, positive activity.
Now, at this stage as a parent of young adults, a relative of family members of many ages, a neighbor, and a community member, helping has taken on a new set of parameters. There is a new learning curve here. Helping adults, just like teaching adults, requires a different kind of approach than helping children. Children are typically so open, forthright, positive, and ready for a challenge, while adults are often more closed, guarded, hesitant to try something new, and at times, negative too.
A close friend works with adults often. I've watched him in action, and I'm learning from him. He does a lot more listening than talking--he spends significant time preparing for his helpful actions, and he asks a lot of questions rather than share ideas or give directives. I've noticed how positive this has been for his work and those he serves.
I like a challenge, and my challenge right now is to how to morph my helping skills of the past to better serve my current charge of serving those I love with genuine care, kindness, and support. What can I do to develop our relationships with the warmth and love I desire, and the good living we all enjoy?
Readiness
As I look forward to today's efforts, I recognize that readiness is important. I don't have the best ingredients on hand for today's tasks. I have to make sure I keep a list of what's needed and have those items on hand to be able to help in a positive and responsive way.
Timing
Last week, a help session went awry because the timing was off. There are some times of the day and week that are better for helping than others, and I have to take that seriously.
Flexibility
Unlike the good routine at school that helped children achieve their goals and create a positive weekly program, helping adults requires a more flexible schedule since all kinds of unexpected twists and turns happen with regard to their busy, full, independent lives.
Personal strength, values, and understanding
Children rarely try to dominate you or oppress you, but adults eager to fulfill their own needs and security, may knowingly or unknowingly take advantage. Adults are more complex in many ways than children, and you have to be strong about who you are and what you value when helping adults, you can't let them take advantage of you, and you also have to be mindful that you're not projecting your own needs and wants on who they are or what they need. This is often a sensitive balance.
For example, as I navigate the independence of my young adult sons, it's important that I make time for my own needs and pursuits. They are not going to fully understand what it's like to be an older adult, mom, and parent yet, and they are full of their own ambition, interests, and pursuits as they should be. To help them is to support their independence, passion, relationships, and success in ways that I can while also leaving time to live a good life myself. As for older relatives who may still see me as a child or subordinate, it's important for them to understand what I need and believe in, and equally important for me to regard their values and needs with respect too.
To help or not to help
Many hire others to care for their loved ones. As a young mother, I enlisted day care help for my children so my husband and I could work rather than care for my children myself. This was our best choice given our financial circumstances and personal vocations. In a sense, sending our children away to college meant we were paying for their food, accommodations, support--this felt right for who they are and where they are headed. And now, with aging parents, we could hire some help, but like many in my family, I'm opting, at this time, to provide some of that help myself. It seems like my knowledge of my parents' interests and needs enables me to help them well, yet it will be up to my parents if this is what they want or if they desire a different kind of help now and into the future. I will be respectful of their choices.
In summary, I believe that to build communities where people help each other is a positive approach to good living. Yet, I also believe there is an art to being a good helper, an art that requires sensitive listening, readiness and preparation, kind and thoughtful response, less talking and more doing, positivity, self-care, and realistic expectations. Onward.