Stalemate

 

To me, one of the worst life experiences is stalemate. Those impasses cause worry and frustration. What do you do when stalemate occurs?

As a young person, I fought tirelessly against stalemate. I didn't give up, and generally that created a greater impass and hurt feelings. Now, I approach stalemate with greater patience and curiosity. 

In general, stalemate for me so far, happens without forethought. I land there without noticing the signs that stalemate is impending. One might say the same of my chess game since I'm not a regular chess player. Stalemate usually takes me by surprise, and I act without a lot of strategy.

Recently, I reacted strongly to a set of unexpected circumstances which resulted in stalemate. This time, rather than fighting against this uncomfortable place, I am taking a curious look at it as I'd like to rid my life of as much stalemate as possible. What did I notice?

• As has been the case in many of life events, I noticed I have to listen more and better. 
• I noticed that I can empathize more by putting myself in another's shoes when discussing and considering difficult topics. 
• And, it's often better to ask questions than make statements. 
• Talking less and doing more helps too.

Stalemate often occurs when someone feels unheard, unseen, and undervalued. They are not motivated to move beyond stalemate because they see no value in it--they don't think you care, and so why would they risk.

We can avoid stalemate with greater compassion, empathy, listening, and knowing. 

A long time ago people I love entered a multi-decade stalemate. It rose from a difficult personal situation where no one clearly understood the other. There were multiple complex events and people involved so it was easier for most to engage in stalemate rather than unravel the tangled web. Yet, the stalemate hurt many and blocked some good potential that existed. I don't want to recreate that situation so I'll do what I can to avoid stalemate in the days ahead. That's a positive resolve.