"Don't be a matyr" was a familar phrase in my house growing up. I was reminded of that phrase recently and thought I'd explore it more. Essentially, don't be a matyr, means don't pretend to suffer, or exaggerate your suffering in order to get sympathy or praise from people. The times I rememer this phrase being used most often as a child was related to whomever had to clean up the kitchen--no matter who it was, they generally complained, and a parents would reply, "Don't be a matyr." There were other similar times when this phrase was stated too.
I was reminded of this phrase when I was completing an easy, but emotionally taxing job. It should not have been a touch task to do, and my first instinct was to complain--that's when the phrase, "Don't be a matyr" came to mind. I chose to do the task--no one was making me do it, yet it was a tough task to do and I simply wanted to complain about it. Yet, when you choose a task to do, then complain about it, that puts the pressure and creates annoyance with all those around you. Why do people act like matyrs? What creates that symptom and how do you change the behavior yourself or rightly act in response to that behavior in others?
I found this article which does a good job discussing what it means to act like the matyr or victim. As I thought of times when I or others might display this behavior, I thought about the reason why it occurs and is repeated. When chidren in school displayed this behavior, I often had a talk with them about why they felt so burdened, and together we would manage the situation better with a more realistic schedule and better feedback--that helped. Looking back to my childhood, I think the complaining about clearning the kitchen and other chores had a lot to do with the fact that they weren't routine assignments as part of the family contribution, but instead the tasks were often sprung upon us at the last minute when we may have already had plans for that time. Taking a more team-like attitude towards tasks helps to relieve the matyrdom that may result when people feel put upon all the time. Some teachers may display this behavior too which may have a lot to do with the reality that teachers often have much more to do than time permits and that, in many cases, teachers don't have enough control over their time and day--similar to how I felt as a child which the randomness and surprise of assigned tasks--educators often face those last-minute, voiceless assignment too.
I wondered what the experts had to say about the origins of an individual's matyr syndome or victimhood? Not surprisingly this mentality is a learned or acquired behavior that is the result of modeling by others or a reaction to early trauma. Just as it is a learned or acquired, it can be unlearned and diffused over time when one focuses on that change on their own or with the help of counselors.
You can also help those with this mentality by helping them to understand this and to work with more control and confidence in their lives. This article provides some direction.
The more we take control of our lives and manage our time well, the less we will feel the need to complain or feel powerless. When I engaged in that tough task recently, I chose the task for good reasons--no one made me do it, and the result of the tough work was what I had hoped for. Not all work is enjoyable or easy, but if we choose well, our good work has the kind of results we believe in and hope for. Hard work is not martydom, but instead a chance to build or make better. We also have to celebrate our wins in this regard which brings new good energy and light to the work rather than burden alone.
As a child, the "Don't be a matyr" phrase was not welcome--it was repeated too often, and in thinking back, what would have been better would have been a family talk about the roles of family members and what we need to do to be a strong family. That kind of focus would have been more uplifting than our cycle of task assignment, complaining, and criticism. I'm not faulting anyone as anyone who has raised or is raising children knows, none of us are perfect at that tough job--we're always learning, and each generation learns from the other and in the best of circumstances updates and possibly improves on what the generation before did if possible.
So, in summary, the "Don't be a matyr" phrase simply means do idly complain about the burdens that face you, but instead take control of that challenge--make it your own, and meet it with a balanced targeted approach that prioritizes your own needs and care as well as that of others with sensitivity about when and how you do the tasks and tackle the challenges at hand.