An older relative whom I care deeply about always challenged me with a rather narrow perspective related to who I am and my value as an individual, and as this relative has aged, it seems that she remembers one significant fact about me and repeatedly asks me about that fact. Then when I answer her questions, she grimaces with disapproval of my answer. The conversation repeats again and again and again.
This repetition drills into my soul challenging my very being. Why?
I know exactly why. It is because this relative, rather than see me as a whole person, always saw me with a very narrow perspective which negated the fullness of who I am and what I am about, and when she asks me the same question over and over and is quickly dismayed at my response, I am reminded of that narrow, rather dimishing, perspective--a perspective that dehumanizes me in many ways.
Yet, at this point, I can't condemn the relative for her perseveration as it is out of her control. But what I can do is decide how I'll deal with the situation.
So today when the repetition began, I had little patience for it because I had not thought it through. I shifted the conversation in a non-productive way. That only spelled greater struggle, and I don't want to repeat that.
Bottom line, I have to simply acknowledge that for this person I was a sliver of who I really am. That is a painful revelation. And when I think about if I could have changed that, the truth is that there was little opportunity over time to change that as the two of us hung onto that sliver as a point of connection for a long time--in a sense, that was a tie that kept us connected and thus a strong tie. It is also a tie that spoke greatly of my relative's hopes and dreams about life.
In the depth of me, I only want what is right and good for this person so in the days ahead, I'll allow some patient time for the repetitious question and answer. I may decide to change the answer just to get a smile rather than a grimace. 'll give it a good 15 minutes here and there as I accompany my relative, and then I'll move away from the situation to remind myself via actions of the fullness of who I am.
Also, I'll work to know those I love with a greater breadth by listening to them, hearing their stories, and acknowledging the fullness of who they are. That is the way I want to show my loved ones the respect and love they deserve. Onward.