Family lore cast an ancestor in a dim light, but my research about family history pointed to all kinds of reasons why this person may have been miscast. She was an individual who faced painful early childhood struggle, and later showed incredible strength to carve out a good life for herself. Also, she didn't fit nicely into the constructs of the time when she lived or the class that she belonged to--she wasn't the kind of woman people expected women to be in her place and time. Instead she was far more inquisitive, adventurous, and driven than her peers who followed the expectations for women at that time. She strove for a life different than expected at a time when women's roles in her place, class, and time were quite narrow.
It seems that her life events gave her a hard demeanor, one that some saw as cold, opinionated, and harsh. Yet, as I research her life, I think she was more of a survivor than a snob--her family line embed in her a quest to discover, explore, and adventure, and life events gave her a desperate urge to survive.
A look at her life demonstrates clear adventure, but also likely loneliness. To me it seems like her family may have misunderstood her, and she, in turn, may have misunderstood them. In truth, they all demonstrated similar traits, longings, and interests, yet hard times, prejudices, social expectations and hurt created walls between them, walls of insensitivity, hurt, and distance.
Too many of us quickly judge each other and obstruct good relations because of small matters. Instead of embracing what we share as people, we often focus on what separates us.
In another instance, one family member, seemingly unacknowledged for who he truly was, hurt other family members with contempt and cheating creating a rift that spread throughout family factions. Looking back, this rift was clearly the result of anquish caused by loss, disinterest, and pain. What if someone had taken the time to truly know and nurture this family member? What if this family member found his true passion and life's calling rather than a job and lifestyle untrue to him? What if in generations past, a family struggle had been repaired thus creating greater strength for generations ahead?
Family rifts and separations are most often caused by a lack of understanding, empathy, respect, and care. It's true that we won't always agree, but with respect to most of our disagreements, in the long run those issues often don't matter much, and often those issues are caused by long unmet needs and struggles.
Moving ahead, it's best to be empathetic. See a situation from another's point of view. Also, consider the gravity of the issue--in the long run, many issues are insignficant. If and when possible, value those you care about and give them room to err. The more humane and empathetic we can be, the better our relationships will be now and into the future. Onward.