Recently a friend let me know what they wanted, but their request was aggressive and cruel. Honestly, I understood the request, but I was greatly hurt by the word choice and tone of the request. That brought me back to times when my requests were made with strong words and a hurtful tone. Yes, I've done that, and I'm not to happy about that choice.
There comes a time in life when you just don't want to put up with rude words, tone, or actions anymore. Life is too short to face that kind of behavior, and life is too short to use those words and behavior yourself. There's too much good out there to waste time on what is harmful and hurtful to others and yourself.
Why didn't I come to this conclusion earlier? Why did I accept this behavior and speak for too long and even use some of the same approach myself?
In many ways, we become what we experience. When and where I grew up, harsh comments were common. I just thought that's natural, but in time, I learned that's not the way it has to be. Then there was a level of fear that if I spoke up or requested something different, people would get angry--so I let some of those practices continue without speaking up. Yet, recently, when I asked a loved one not to use particular hurtful words, that loved one kindly and simply stopped. For him, it was a matter of habit, not a thoughtful attempt to harm or hurt.
If we kindly let people know what we expect and why, that helps our relationships a lot. Recently another famiy member had a heart-to-heart with me about some past behaviors. His concerns awakened me to perceptions and needs I was unaware of. I was so happy that he had the courage to speak up and let me know what he needed and expected.
Updating our relationship ways with regard to language and behavior takes humility, awareness, attention, and intention. As I wrote about yesterday, we have to continually revise our relationships in ways that help to make our connections strong, loving, and supportive. That's not always easy, but if you care about people and want your relationships to last, it is the right thing to do.