I remember that during my first years as a teacher, I had Marian Wright Edelman's book, Guide My Feet, in my top desk drawer. It was a small book of prayers aimed at service to children. I needed that book as I navigated the tough initial years of teaching. Though teaching remained a challenging career with many tough chapters, none were as challenging as the first few years.
Now, in my new role as a caretaker for loved ones, I find myself desiring a similar small book. The tasks related to elder care can be very tough and emotional at times. There is a temptation at times to give up, and there are moments of utter sadness, frustration, anger, and despair. As many modern day caretakers will say, we are charting new territory as our loved ones live for years in compromised conditions. This is different from decades past when people typically did not live so long.
So how do we navigate this challenging role--what do we do?
Teamwork
At best, you will find a team to navigate this territory with as it is almost impossible to do it alone. That team may include family members, friends, hired caretakers, and other medical staff. In the best of circumstances, the team will work well together, yet in many situations elder care finds loved ones, friends, and medical staff at odds sometimes. This differential is caused by varied views about end of life care, varied medical opinions, past experiences, and current circumstances. Though, no matter what the caretaker team is like, it is possible to create a positive, can-do team.
Positivity and small wins
As one caretaker remarked, this medical situation is different because people don't get better. It's not like a broken leg that heals, but instead this is a series of end-of-life steps, and with each step there are new challenges. The key is to be as positive as possible and to find the small wins. For example, I figured out a winning way to wash my loved one's hair. It may sound silly, but that took me several tries to come up with a positive result--that was a small win. Other small wins include making just-right meals, being there when you are most needed, planning a safe happy celebration, reviewing old photos/videos, and a good conversation. There's no need to be negative--that will take you nowhere, and when times are tough, you have to remind yourself of that. Also, looking for big wins is typically a big disappointment due to the changing nature and challenge of end-of-life care. I suggest focusing on those small wins instead.
Don't sweat the small stuff
One error I made was sweating the small stuff. I've learned to let a lot go because to be a perfectionist with elder care is a losing proposition. Instead, keep trying to do well and better, but when mistakes occur, don't sweat it. Most error will not make a big difference over time. One strategy that helps me with this is to consider the worst case scenario and the long range outlook. When I consider both of those aspects of the situation, it helps me to let small errors and mistakes go as they truly don't make a big difference.
Consider what you want to be left with at the end
In time, I will no longer have my loved ones. Their time here will be over. As I care for them, I keep this at the front of my mind and remind myself of what is important to me including having a happy, positive relationship with my loved ones and doing what I can to make them happy and comfortable. When they are gone, I will be glad that I dedicated time and energy in this direction. Also, consider what you want with regard to relationships with the other caretakers. Caretaking is difficult, emotional work that has the potential to create grave havoc and divide. If you value the relationships you have with others, you will want to tread gently with those relationships during the challenging time of significant care taking.
Put a reasonable schedule in place
No one is superhuman, and no one can be all things to another person. Caretaking is a limitless job, and to do it well, you have to set boundaries with regard to what you can do and what you can't do. This is where a good schedule comes to play. Figure out a positive weekly schedule of care that you can do, and then don't sweat what you can't do. Do what you can and know that you can't do it all.
Communication
Since caretaking teams typically involved lots of loved ones who don't have a lot of experience when it comes to caretaking, communication can be difficult. Part of the difficulty comes from the fact that every caretaker will face the situation differently, and everyone will have a different way to discuss the situation. For example, I was faulted for over-communication. I can easily see how that might be a problem for me since I like to talk about every detail with detail in speaking and writing. That can certainly be overwhelming. I've had to walk back some of my communication and strive for more reasonable, concise patterns. As with any team, it's best if the team finds a.time and place to sit down and talk about what's going on, what each person can do, and how they will communicate.
Be kind to yourself
You will have tough days when it comes to good care taking, and you have to give yourself a break on those tough days. For example, I have days when I am filled with super positive, good energy, and during those days I can get so much good work done, but there are other days when I have low energy and I'm quite discouraged. Some team members have been able to cheer me up on the low days--it's amazing how a simple thank you or a kind gesture can shift a low day to a energized, positive day. I have to remember to be that kind of cheerleader myself when other caretakers are facing challenging days.
There's not one way to do this work
There are many varied paths to doing this work well--there's no one way to be a caretaker, and it's best to consider the many possible paths, and choose the best paths for you and your team. It is also good to stay informed. For example, when I faced a caretaking problem recently. I read a number of articles about that challenge and learned a lot. That helped me to have the language, mindset, and actions to meet the challenge successfully.
Caretaking is a tough, but meaningful, valuable, and important task. Taking the time to think about how you and your team navigate this challenging task is worthwhile. Onward.