I retired a year ago from a 34-year career as an educator, and I still haven't made peace with my career--why?
As I look back over my 34-year career, there is much that I am pleased with, but there are a few regrets too that I don't truly understand yet, and I want to understand those regrets more.
Too busy and exhausted
Often as an educator, I was too busy and too exhausted. That led to some work that was less than ideal. Looking back, I could have coached myself to lessen my goals and heighten my commitment to a healthy lifestyle overall. For example, I did have colleagues who made the job more reasonable, and did carve out more time for healthy living. Those colleagues made less of the kinds of too-tired-, too-busy-related mistakes that I made. Yet, as an educator, I saw endless opportunity to change the environment in ways that would better schools for students, and to work for that change meant I had to work many, many extra hours which led to the too-busy, too-exhausted schedule. Also, to make change almost always required lots of advocacy, debate, and conflict--in general, most leaders in educational settings are not open to teachers' ideas for change and growth--they fight that, so to make change in schools from the level of the classroom teacher is exhausting.
Ideally, I would have had leaders who would have coached me and supported me in ways that helped me live a healthy, holistic lifestyle that included time for advocacy and avenues for growth and change in schools too. If the infrastructure in schools were more teacher-friendly, the job would not have been as oppressive and exhausting, but instead reasonable and ready for continual positive change and growth.
So I have to make peace with this aspect of my teaching career, and use what I learned to advise educators to advocate for work conditions that help them to live healthy lives and to advocate and work for positive change in steady, positive, energizing ways.
Challenged relationships
An education analyst I listened to years ago likened schools to little cities since there is a lot of complexity in a school environment. This complexity can challenge the relationships you have with colleagues, and this is especially true if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP). Being an HSP is what led me to education in the first place. Because I care about the welfare of people, I wanted a job where I could impact lives in positive ways. Teachers impacted my life in so many positive ways, and I wanted to do the same. Also, I believed and still believe that a good education can truly create a strong, vibrant, positive nation--I do believe that teachers are nation builders.
Yet, as an HSP, I took in the emotions and life experiences of the countless individuals I worked with every day. I remember starting to read Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's book, Balm in Gilead, and I had to put it down when she described her grandmother's exhaustion after days of teaching. Lightfoot's interpretation of her grandmother's exhaustion didn't take into account what it's like to be an HSP in a school--the weight of taking on each child's, colleague's, and family member's emotions each day is exhausting and has a considerable effect on educators' lives.
In hindsight, I wish I had read more about what it's like to be an HSP, and used that information to inform my relationships in school. Often the anquish I felt when reading emotions and learning about people's personal struggles, would exhaust me and lead me to act without as much forethought as would have been positive. In hindsight, educators have to carefully carve out their niche in schools--realistic spaces and people who they will attend to rather than trying to accomodate the entire environment which is far too complex and busy for any one teacher to manage.
Autonomy and Leadership
Too often educators are oppressed and given little autonomy and leadership with regard to the work they do with students. Too often the infrastructure of schools includes a leadership team that works at a too-far distance from what's happening with students, families, and in classrooms--this leadership team can be oppressive and heavy handed with regard to a teacher's need and desire to do the good work possible. I believe this is an area of teaching and learning that has to be carefully analyzed and changed in order to make schools more successful and student/family-friendly.
Mission
At times, the core mission of teaching and learning is lost in a busy, complex environment. When this happens, other cumbersome, troubling issues take center stage which harms the overall school environment. To teach well and to foster strong, positive teaching/learning communities, you have to continually revisit, refine, and re-emphasize the mission of what the school is all about.
The good news is that I met the profession with as much good work, courage, and ability as I could--I was inspired every day to do what I could for students and worked with many amazing colleagues, students, and families. I am thankful for that energy and sense of mission. I hope that my regrets will inform others and help them to work for and with their best capacity as educators going forward. Onward.