A friend reported a story about a person's anger recently. The angry person subtly declared her anger via words and actions repeatedly to the dismay of those around her. Why was the woman so angry? What could others do to help her?
In this situation, the anger was not related to any one event, but instead the anger arose from the individual's combination of perfectionism, past hurts, and current unmet needs. It appeared that the individual had fallen into a pattern of not taking good care of herself and making the kind of choices that filled her up rather than took her down. No one in her immediate friend or family group had what she needed. Instead, she needed to look outside her circles for what would make her happy and diffuse the anger.
What do we do when we become this angry person, and what can we do when we meet these angry people?
We can all become the angry person from time to time, and that's when we have to get underneath the anger to make the kinds of changes that will lift us up from anger. The choices we make may include taking a vacation from friends and relatives who have put too much pressure on us or who are unempathic to who we are or what we need. You may also choose to give yourself a break from an arduous routine, try something new, get a coach or counselor, and/or make a needed change in your lifestyle. Anger is a sign that something needs to change, and most often, those changes have to come from the person who is experiencing the anger.
We all also face angry people in our lives. What can we do when this happens? There's no one way to face this. You can confront the angry person and say, I've noticed you are angry, why, and what can I do to help? Often when a person is angry, they just want to lash out and may not be ready for this kind of confrontation or conversation. You can also do something nice for the person--have them to dinner, buy them a small gift, or invite them on an outing. There's good chance, that you may need to step away to give the person space and time to figure out why they are angry and what to do about it. When you deal with an angry person, you have to think about what that person means to you, and what you can do to preserve the relationship over time.
Understanding our anger including where it comes from, how it shows itself, and what to do about it gives us a lot of positive power in life. Similarly, understanding someone else's anger and helping as you can is similarly powerful. We need to heed anger as a sign that some kind of sensitive, rightly-targeted action is required. If we simply bury the anger or ignore it, in time, that anger will grow more powerful and harmful, and that's not good.
There's all kinds of reasons why people get angry. Instead of taking it personally or finding blame, we need to think about what we can do about it to make it go away. Onward.