Sometimes friends work against you. Why do they do that and what do you do about that?
Some years ago, a friend worked against me. I really liked this friend. Her stories were fascinating, the care for her family exemplar, and her contribution to the greater community solid. This friend had faced many tough circumstances over time and was doing all she could to live a good life. I honored her quest and the good work she did. Then she worked against me. It was not necessarily a purposeful effort to harm me, but instead her own desire to build her life better by taking something from me that I valued. She wanted what I had. Her desire was at a deeper subconscious level than a purposeful assault. It took me a while to recognize this behavior as it was a behavior I had rarely dealt with and one I found hard to believe could occur. I never directly confronted the behavior, and in time her behavior and few more actions like that eventually eroded our friendship which I remain sad about today.
Typically when hurtful events happen to us we can find times in our lives when we similarly hurt others. I remember way back when I judged a loved one too harshly--rather than embracing this individual's terrific strengths, personality, and contribution, I judged the person harshly expecting her to be someone different than who she was. I didn't approach this person with an open mind, but instead judged her with a lot of prejudice and some jealousy. Looking back, my life would have been enriched had I embraced this person with positivity from the start. In time, thanks to this person's confidence and her ability to love despite my failure to embrace her, our relationship became better. I learned to judge less and be more open minded. Now I fully embrace this individual's great gifts and contribution, and see them as a bonus to my life. I don't expect her to fit a tight mold like I did before.
As I think about the times friends work against me and times I may have worked against friends, I can see that narrow mindedness, judgement, and control are factors that create this situation. Lately a friend that I care deeply about has been acting in ways that are hurtful. With an open mind, no judgement, and the ability to see the fullness of this individual, I understand that life's challenges at the moment are impeding this individual's ability to support me in any way right now. Rather than severing a relationship or working against a person, this is an opportunity to be more loving, accepting, and patient. I don't want this relationship to end, and I have the opportunity to nurture rather than break the relationship.
When people work against us, it probably has to do with our own behavior as well as their personal situation and needs. It's good to step back and dissect the situation with the question in mind, Do I want this relationship to last, and if so what can I do to make that happen? Onward.