I was in Africa with wonderful students, the parents were looking on, and I was teaching the history of the location. Clearly, I was not prepared. I knew it. The parents were looking at me with disgruntled faces--the students were trying to help. I knew I had hours of prep ahead of me to remedy the situation, then I woke up. It was a dream, one of those school dreams that continue to be apart of my life after retirement. Why do the dreams continue? What do they mean?
Clearly, this dream matched a current and somewhat minor dilemma that is causing stress in my life. It is not a grave situation, but instead a situation where I don't have the control I'd like to have--a situation where I have to accept a less than desired outcome, and a situation similar to presenting curriculum you are unprepared to present. As one article I read noted, this is simply an anxiety dream and on the upside it helps you identify what is making you anxious.
Essentially, after months of helping my elderly parents out, I am unable to include them in a family event. I would love to have them there, but their current mindset and capacity prevents their inclusion--with the exception of a few moments, they would mostly be uncomfortable, melancholy, and somewhat at risk with regard to their health if they attended the event. There were ways that I could have made this work, but due to inflexibility as well as my primary role and responsibilities at the event, I couldn't put those plans in place. When reverting to worst and best scenarios in this situation, though not ideal, it is better for them not to be at the event, an event focused on others and an event that requires the ability to navigate many venues and multiple schedules in short time.
My dream situation would have been to accommodate my dad's presence at the event while providing the needed care for my mom--but my dad didn't want to go along with that plan, and the event simply is not safe or comfortable for my mom who requires greater support.
We can't be at every event at every stage of our lives. A few years ago when my husband and I traveled with our adult sons and their friends to a Washington, D.C., we went out for a terrific dinner at a good restaurant. We all had a good time. Then our sons wanted to keep the night alive, but my husband and I were ready to call it a night. If we were younger at the time, we probably would have joined them, but at our age, calling it a night was preferred--we wouldn't be able to keep up with your young sons or did we want to.
As life changes, so does our capacity and interest in events. In some ways, the event coming up, is more special to my husband and I than the many young people who will attend. For us, this is a big deal and a special occassion whereas many young people attend events like this often. When I was young, my schedule was filled with special events like this. Although COVID-19 limitations in the past couple of years have made events like this infrequent so I expect that everyone will be ready for a good time especially since healthy protocols have been put in place, the kind of protocols that will make people more relaxed and comfortable.
I've worried about my parents with regard to this event for several months now--I had hoped that they could be there. I even had a dress ready for mom to wear, but clearly they will have to forego this occassion because of need as well as choice. There will be special times ahead for them as the holidays near and friends and family continue to visit.
As I've noted before, navigating the care and support of my elderly parents has not been easy. There is no road map, and I don't have much experience with this. As a young mom, I profited from years of childcare as the oldest sibling of six children, a babysitter and teacher. I had a good sense about child development and psychology, but as the daughter of older parents, I am less experienced. And even though I read a lot about what to do, there is little concensus since every situation is different. My own grandparents' later chapters were quite different than my parents. One spent her final years in a nursing home while the others died shortly after becoming ill. Yet, I do remember my parents fretting as I do. They worried about how to best help their own parents and elderly aunts, and when I got married, my grandmother who was very close to me was unable to attend the ceremony.
At this turning point in the situation, I'll bring along my parents' long-held value in close family ties, joyful celebration and cheer to the big event--during their lives they attended countless special events and enjoyed every one of them. And in the days ahead, I'll also continue to find ways to bring the joy and warmth to my time with my parents in ways that I can. I wish they could be at the big event, but they can't, and that's the way it is so now I'll shift my focus to those who will be there--many beloved friends and family members making time to celebrate a lovely couple. Onward.