Sometimes we hurt one another. We may do that unknowingly or we may do tht because we meet an impasse with an acquaintance or loved one. When I think back on times that I've hurt people, I can say that it was never intentional. I didn't think to myself, "Oh, I'm going to hurt _____" today, but instead the hurt was typically the result of frustration, hurt, anger or worry.
These hurts do not have to lead to permanent damage, but instead can be seen as a wake-up call that something has to change to strengthen the relationship. Most often when we hurt others or others hurt us, it is simply an error in judgement that can be easily remedied with compassion, empathy and respectful conversation. Though sometimes the hurt is too grave for an easy solution--sometimes a person may truly harm you in ways that are difficult to understand or repair.
One of the worst times I hurt someone was when I chose hurtful words knowingly. A loved one had pushed me way past my breaking point and I said something hurtful. I didn't want to lose the relationship and neither did my loved one. We made the time and effort to repair the hurt. I learned a valuable lesson. In general, we had let a conflict go on for too long without talking about it, then the dam of frustration and anger broke.
It's important to tend our relationships like a good garden--when something is not working, deal with it earlier than later. Waiting in the short term can be helpful, but waiting too long to figure things out generally does not do anyone any good.
Over time, I've learned a lot about relationships--lessons, I don't want to forget:
- Remember that you don't stand in anyone else's shoes--if someone's behavior frustrates, worries or angers you, talk to them about it sooner than later. Try to empathize and understand where they are coming from.
- Everyone's lives have differing highs and lows--no one has it all, and over time I've noticed that people's good and bad experiences tend to even out. Don't compare, but instead show curiosity and interest in each other's lives.
- Live your own life--find out who you are, what you want, and where you're headed. Don't expect to be just like others, but instead value who you are and the life you lead.
- Don't accept inhumane behavior of any kind, and always work to be as humane as possible. When we accept disrespectful, inhumane, ignorant or hurtful behavior in ourselves or others, we do no one any good. In all ways, seek to be as respectful, humane, loving and good as possible.
- Be responsible--do your part.
- Rules of etiquette, good manners and respect matter.
- Apologize for errant decisions and actions, then make better.
- Find your people--the people you truly love to be with, learn from and share life's journey with--don't let anyone else tell you who your people are.
- Love as much as possible, be as generous as possible.
- Forgive yourself and others when good efforts go wrong, then make amends and do better.