About a year and a half ago, I retired from a 34-year teaching career for a number of reasons including the desire to have more time to help my 90+ parents out. Helping my parents has been a long and varied journey--a journey that has taught me a lot.
Teamwork
Not surprisingly, when I transitioned from classroom teaching to parent care, I simply tried to substitute one for the other. I applied my teaching ways to parent care. In some ways, that worked, and in other ways, that did not work at all.
Making charts and posters to guide all visitors and caretakers in the home was somewhat helpful particularly at critical junctures when we were all learning how to deal with specific health needs, but in other ways the charts/lists were seen as somewhat impersonal and child-like. Over time I learned to put the helpful information in places where people who wanted to access the phone numbers, to-do lists and instructions were able to in more discrete, but still accessible places.
Purchasing a large number of items to make the home a welcoming, easy place to live was a good effort. Many simple items make home care easier and better. Also simplifying the environment by getting rid of outdated, unnecessary items to make more space for easy living was positive too. Similar to creating a classroom ripe for good learning, I worked with others to create a home ripe for good living.
I assumed other loved ones would want to team, communicate all the time, problem solve together and share similar focus with regard to my parents' care and good living, and that was probably my greatest mistake. While everyone involved love my parents and want the best for them, we were all coming at the problem from varied mindsets, experiences, professions and relationships with my parents. I should have assumed less, communicated less and had a greater sense of curiosity than surety. Essentially I learned that teamwork looks different dependent on the team members and focus of collaboration, and it's good to begin any teamwork with an open mind, willingness to learn, flexibility and most of all, lots of respect for each member of the team.
Patience
Throughout this journey, I've been wondering about the lessons I'm learning and the meaning I can gain from this chapter. One lesson I've learned is patience. For the most part, I had a "get it done" perspective which made me hurried, prescriptive and impatient. What I learned is that this chapter of life has a life of its own--there's little ability to predict what will happen next and the stage cannot be hurried. Instead, as I wrote about in a past post, this late chapter of life requires patience and an easy temperment and pace.
Yesterday, unlike so many hurried days of parent care before, I was more patient. I simply assessed the daily situation, did what I could to help out, and then quietly enjoyed my parents' company. I realized that was far different than my early days in this role--days when I wanted to "get it done." My quieter, slower pace translated to greater peace and pleasure.
Gifts
While there have been struggles with this chapter of life, there have been many great gifts. My parents' strength, love for one another and perseverance have given me a great gift with regard to how to grow older--I want to be as loving, persevering and strong as they are. My parents are also generous with their spirit and willingness to help out--I want to grow older with a similar spirit of generosity. Further, during our days together, I both hear about and witness many lessons with regard to good living. Their lives are marked by healthy routines, good foods and simple pleasures. Their many stories relay to me how they successfully dealt with life's chapters, both positive and not-so-positive, and as they relay some of the regrets they have, I learn from their missteps about what not to do. It has been a great gift to be able to spend this time in my childhood home with my parents--it is mostly a pleasure and privilegeto take care of those you love, and that's a pleasure I'm grateful to have. Onward.