In my life, I've encountered a few people who stayed silent during tremendously hurtful events. I have always wondered why those people stayed silent and whether their choice to remain quiet was positive or not.
The silent teacher
Once I worked with a teacher who remained silent during what many considered an unethical series of events. The teacher appeared to be rewarded for her silence by getting a promotion to a position she was not fully qualified for. That teacher earned a lot of success and did some very good work in her new position--work that empowered the lives of many students in many ways, yet her choice to remain silent during unethical and potentially illegal activity also hurt a number of people too. Did that teacher do the right thing? Some may say yes, because rather than embroil herself in the mess that the unethical and potentially illegal issues created, she chose to support students in deep and meaningful ways. And some will say no, because her silence helped to deepen a thread of hurtful, inhumane lack of ethics and potential illegal activity that held an education system back for a long time. For me, the teacher's silence and willingness to accept payback for that silence in a role she was not fully qualified for, hurt many educators in substantial ways. I don't like that, but I do honor the good work this teacher has done with many students.
The questionable leader
I worked once with a leader who was not forthcoming with what he really thought about issues. Rather than give his point of view, he would simply be absent or silent. This leader, like the teacher described above, provided some substantial and positive gifts to many students and some educators too. Yet his silence also created grave hurt, lost potential and fractured teams. The leader could have taken a more transparent approach where he explained his true beliefs and perhaps helped to coach, collaborate with or compromise with those whose outlooks differed. I always wondered why this leader appeared to sometimes align with ideas, efforts and opinions that seemed to lack ethics, yet I never outwardly asked the leader to explain to me what was happening and why he sided with what appeared to be a lack of appropriate action. My observations could have been wrong--I'm not sure.
I mostly trusted this leader for a long time given his popularity and apparent good work with many, but then one day the leader turned on me in a hurtful, surprising way. When I questioned the leader looking for a better understanding of why he turned on me, he chose to be silent so still today I don't understand. My best guess is that my wrong turn at the time may have reminded the leader of some of the wrong turns people in his life had taken, wrong turns he had confided in me about. I had a similar life story as some of the people close to him--a life story that included the propensity for wrong turns related to anger, frustration, and the inability to communicate as effectively as possible. I did err in the issue, but my error was neither intentional nor illegal. Instead my error was based on a lack of skill and support to advocate well for changes I felt were critical to apt student service. The incident led me to learn a lot and improve my ways substantially, but looking back, I wonder how much more and how much sooner I could have learned that lesson if leaders like the one I describe were willing to take steps to support, coach, help and collaborate with colleagues rather than choose to be silent or absent when critical issues occurred.
The silent friend
Recently I've encountered a few silent friends--people who responded with silence rather than tell of their life situation. These people are people who were facing a number of grave circumstances, people somewhat backed into a corner by life's events, and people who chose silence rather than explaining or talking out their choices. That left me with the choice to be an accepting, unknowing friend or one who reached out to find out what was going on. In these cases, I reached out. Some responded with heartfelt responses that made sense and cleared the air, and some responded with greater silence.
As for those who remain silent, I am curious about where they are at and why they are there, but I'm not going to push anymore. In time, I'll likely find out what's going on. Sometimes life's issues are so grave, confusing and/or troubling that we can't tell our stories and I have to respect that.
In general, I believe that silence can be very hurtful and troubling--I believe silence often makes situations worse for a long time moving forward, and in the best of situations, we will communicate what's going on and try to find peaceful places for differing opinions and troubling facts with compromise, compassion, coaching and collaboration.
Too many words can be troubling and too few can be troubling too.