Why do we want to control others? What is it in our psyches that create that desire? I actually haven't thought a lot about this before, but today a circumstance brought the issue to mind.
I thought back to a time when I wanted to control others. It was a time when I was compromised greatly by too many tasks and responsibilities. I couldn't do what I wanted to do, and I was hoping that others would step in and do some of the work. Others did not step in. I got upset at them. I wanted to tell them what to do to relieve the stress and worry I felt. At the time, the situation felt like the last stages of a Jenga game--one misstep would topple the precarious situation in troubling ways.
Now, the tables have turned, and someone wants to do the same with me. What's interesting is that at this stage I don't feel the urgency I felt back then. I see a similar situation with greater comfort and less worry mostly because I know I have the time and energy to step in at any point. Due to recent reading and contemplation, I see the situation as more of a chapter in life than an emergency room scenario.
When your life is greatly challenged, it's difficult to see life with a broad, flexible lens. Challenged lives, may narrow our focus since in many ways we may be in stress-mode, a mode that has us on high alert since every moment and action matters. We don't want the precarious structure we experience to come toppling down.
Way back, in that stressed situation, I did what I thought was right at every step. While I hoped others would act differently and provide more support, I backed away from the critique and did what I needed to do at the time. Now with the tables turned, I have a better sense of what others may have been feeling and doing at that time, and I'm glad I didn't let my judgement and worry end good relationships.
So, when we want to control others, we have to take pause and think about why that's happening. Some considerations that will help with this include these:
- What is my vision for this situation?
- What are my worries about the situation?
- How can I collaborate with others rather than control them?
- What strategies will help me make good change while respecting the needs, availability and ability of others?
- What vision does the controller have about the situation--what is it that they desire and why?
- How can I move the situation from control to collaboration with words and actions?
- What can I do to accept and respect the actions and vision of others who share the situation--what words, actions and mindsets will help in that regard since there's typically no one way to solve and aid challenging situations?