Lately, I've had haunting memories of a past experience. Basically the situation involved someone who I thought was a supporter of me who turned out to be detractor. I put a lot of trust into this person over many years. I shared my thoughts openly and honestly only to find out that the individual was not returning the same allegiance or support. In fact the person was working against me in many ways. How could I be so fooled?
Too quick to judge
I judged this person too quickly based on the opinions of a few and superficial observations. I didn't really take the time to get to know this person in a deep way. I was too quick to judge, and I judged with too much positivity. I should have been more discerning wading into the professional relationship with far more restraint. I should have reserved that overwhelming positivity until the person earned it or until I learned the truth of who that person was.
Overshare
I shared too much. I should have been more reserved with my share and kept the relationship upbeat and always professional. Instead I shared personal and professional information that included too many details that served to hurt me, not help me. In professional situations, it's good to keep the share professional and less rather than more.
Too casual
My attitude in the situation was too laissez-faire. I should have erred on the side of being more professional and less casual.
Asking questions
Rather than conjecturing and guessing about the lack of clarity that often existed, I should have been more confident and asked more direct and professional questions to learn the truth of matters. Instead I conjectured which led me to the wrong conclusions sometimes.
Systematic advocacy
Rather than relying on this person to take my ideas seriously, I should have worked systematically to professionally make change. I should have worked via more transparent, open channels where the ideas would not have met with the many snags that occurred by relying on one or a few people to translate those ideas. To make good change demands a more systematic approach including good transparency, open communication, and channels of decision making and support that are committed to the same goals as you.
Going forward
Should I ever see this individual again, I will be polite and kind, but not overshare or act with a too casual demeanor. He is not a friend and, in the end, not a supporter either, but I do believe the person was well meaning in his efforts, and like me, didn't have the wisdom, support, or experience to do a better job. No one is all things, and we all do our best to do what we can in the most positive ways possible.
There's no reason or way to undo the harm this haunting relationship created in the end. The best I can do is to share the lesson I learned with people in the field or just starting out on their careers. I was very naive about the professional world thinking it to be more like a family than a professional organization. Also, I wish some of my colleagues had helped me with this, but in many ways, the atmosphere in schools was competitive and also changed greatly over the years, and those changes demanded a more professional attitude.
We probably all have some haunting memories of past experiences that weren't as positive as they could be, and the best thing we can do with those memories is to dissect them, learn from them, and move on with greater wisdom. Onward.