A young relative faced complications related to a routine surgery. While concerned, I simply thought with the medicine we have today and the good energy and health of youth, he'd pull through, but he didn't. He died and with him went the hopes and dreams so many had for his bright future. While we didn't know this relative well, we enjoyed hearing about and seeing his accomplishments, talents, and good living. Fifty people or more came to see him in his final days--relatives and friends in multiple countries were sending their prayers, good wishes and care. Yet, he passed away. No one ever expected to lose this young life. How do people cope with a loss like this?
I remember way back when cousins of mine lost their young children to both sudden and long lasting illnesses. They were devastated. Yet through the love and support of many, my cousins moved ahead in life in countless positive ways that helped them to live good lives for themselves and others, but they've never forgotten their lost children and the pain that went along with those deaths. None of us have forgotten those beautiful children or those tragic events.
No one looks forward to the death of a loved one. In fact, we dread those events. The only time death seems reasonable is in the face of grave suffering and even then death is painful. Death makes us question everything we know and do. When death strikes, we look hard at our own lives and the lives of those around us.
As a child, my experiences with death left me with the feeling that when death happens, love is everywhere. I gained that feeling because family deaths were met with an outpouring of kindness, care, camaraderie and support. Our death-related rituals brought us together as a large, loving family and friends to honor the life lost. These rituals, in part, helped everyone to cope with the loss.
Today, when people we love die, we still gather online and off to pay our respects in many ways. We reach out to let those impacted the most know that we are there for them and we show up as often as we can to celebrate the lost one's life and support their closest relatives and friends.
I often write after a significant death. I want to capture that life in some way as it's a way for me to hold on to the good times, connection, and impact that person had on my life. For this young boy, I remember the incredible love his parents had for him as well as his beautiful smile and earnest hopes for his life today and into the future. His family wanted the best for him--good schools and positive activities. He was well loved and cared for in so many ways. In fact, at his first birthday, there was a tremendous gathering of friends and family far and near--a wonderful time that we'll never forget.
Our notions of death often connect to images and stories we learned as children. Growing up Catholic the vision of heaven brought solace to me, and still today I like to imagine that those who die are embraced by other loved ones who died before them. For this boy, I imagine him in the embrace of his grandparents who loved him dearly as well as other relatives and friends who are no longer with us. The play, Our Town, added to the imagery I have related to death--I will never forget the scene in the play where the mom who has passed looks down at the living and sighs because the living are too hurried to recognize the significance and depth of the good moments they experience day-to-day in life, moments that are quickly gone once someone dies. The Buddhist notion of death that we keep coming back until we reach the highest experience of living is a notion I like too. We are so much more than our physical bodies, and the mystery that surrounds this reality brings me hope with respect to death and the natural world.
For me, when death happens, I like to meet it with a plan that gives death a good place in life. First, I want to think about the good life lost and bring some part or parts of that good life forward. With regard to this good life lost, I want to bring forward the evident love and care that nurtured this young man since his earliest days, a kind of love and care that seemingly made this boy passionate and fully engaged with life. I want to give a similar gift to the young people I love and care for. I also want to be there in positive ways for those closest to this young man. If they need to talk, I want to listen. If they want to visit to be in the company of close relatives, my door will be open. We need each other in times of strife and sadness like this.
Life's unexpected moments like this are sad and frightening. Typically we live each day as if we and those we love will live forever. The best we can do is to live life with as much good care and love as possible--the kind of good love and care that helps us survive the tough days. Onward.