With some sadness, I allowed a compromised relative to be on his own. I wanted to be there with him. I wanted to make the situation better, but I had to accept the choice he was making--a choice that stripped him of potential joy and camaraderie. The relative would have liked me to make a similar choice--he would have let me deny myself that joy in order to comfort him, but when I looked at the entire situation, I decided that wasn't necessary. I could experience this good time with those I loved, and while my relative would be a bit lonely, he made the tough choice so he could care for another. After this joyful event, as I have done many times before, I will be there to comfort my relative. If that opportunity doesn't present itself, I will be at peace, since overtime, I have committed considerable time and effort to support my loved one. I did this because I wanted to do it, but sometimes we have to choose ourselves and others that we love.
In a large part because I'm a woman, I've been expected to sacrifice my time, joy and capacity in order to serve others throughout my life. For example, recently a family member called me to pitch in, but did not call the men in the family. As a woman, I was expected to do that chore, while the men were allowed to do as they choose. In a large part, I was noticed for what I could do for others rather than who I was or wanted to be. That's not uncommon for women in my generation. We grew up at a time when women were looked at and regarded as less than the men in our environments. For example, some of my friends did not get a college education because their parents didn't think it was worth the money to send a woman to college. I was fortunate to have parents who supported my education.
This upbringing was not all bad as I do believe we all should serve one another as we can. When we grow up with value related to contribution, we are much better at working as part of a team to help and care for each other. This is good, but balance is also good, the kind of balance that takes care of self and gives to others too. That's important.
I wish my loved one could be with my family this weekend. Nothing would bring me more joy, but sadly due to the illness of another, he will not be there and spend his time instead caring for a relative that is unwell. He could have hired a caretaker for that loved one, but he doesn't want to leave her side. I would likely make a similar choice if it was my spouse or child--I would not want to leave them alone in the midst of a grave illness.
Fortunately my loved one has enjoyed many good times in life and we are carrying on the traditions he started. We'll miss him this weekend, but we'll make it up to him in the days to come with warm, loving moments that match his priorities at this time. Onward.