I reached out to an angry associate recently and received a very angry reply. The reply was so harsh that it felt like a hurricane pushing me into a wall--the words were castrating, the tone hateful, and there was no room for understanding or connection.
What do you do in the face of this kind of anger?
This isn't the first time I've faced anger like this, and I admit I've been an angry responder at times too. Typically when I've been angry, I apologize when I calm down and seek common ground. I like to explore the roots of anger and I've read a lot about it. The inability to express your natural questions, feelings, needs as a child can lead to making you an angry adult--that's why it's so important for parents, teachers, and caretakers to make time to hear children's feelings, problems, ideas, and quandaries. That's how children learn to deal with their emotions in positive ways. When children are unheard, unsupported, and unaccepted for who they are, they build reserves of anger that can explode in adulthood.
When faced with angry people, I used to try to right the situation with words. Now, I give it time to let the person settle down, and if the person is willing, I'll make time to talk it out and get to a better place. A few years ago at the start of COVID, a family member was angry because he felt I wasn't showing enough respect to his needs for safety during COVID. He was right--I wasn't seeing the situation from his point of view or experience. Once he settled down, I listened and changed my ways. The anger dissipated.
Anger is a wake-up call, and rather than punish angry people, it's good to hear them out and help them. Finding the roots of one's anger through research, counseling, friendly analysis and more truly helps us to deal with angry people and deal with our own anger too.
The anger we see in society often has its roots in injustice related to prejudice, poverty, lack of support, and oppression. We can lessen this anger by creating more just and supportive environments where people are able to live their best lives collaboratively and peacefully.
Take anger seriously. Work to understand where it comes from, and use that knowledge to create betterment. Onward.