I sensed resentment in a few life arenas recently, and I wondered about the roots of that resentment. In general, resentment is birthed when a lack of respect for people's unique traits, needs, and direction is present. For example, if one child is favored over another because that child fits the parents' or teachers' ideals, then the child not favored may gain resentment due to their lack of acceptance or support.
This kind of resentment can grow in any environment. Favoritism and unequal support or encouragement in work places, families, friend groups and other teams can breed resentment, and when no one attends to that resentment, resentment can grow and become a obstruction to the good work and potential possible.
In my own family, I hear words that speak of resentment at times, and when I hear those words I take it seriously and work to deconstruct that resentment. For example recently a member of my family mentioned an unfair practice with some resentment. I listened carefully, and noted that he was right. This acknowledgement led to a small change in practice, the kind of change that works to dispel future resentment as well as promote better teamwork.
Also I noted resentment in myself recently related to a practice where women are too often treated with bias and prejudice. As I experienced this, I found myself resenting the practice because I was clearly judged and demeaned because of my gender--I resented this because of the prejudice and also because this prejudice was presenting a great obstacle to the good work possible. Resentment is often born out of unjust prejudice.
So what can we do about resentment?
First, work to create communities of care that are just communities that promote respect, justice, and acceptance of people's wonderful diversity of gifts, interests, capacity, and endeavor. In just communities with fair practices, there is little resentment.
Also, take resentment seriously. For example, a family member expressed words of resentment with me recently. I was surprised by his resentment, yet I heard him. He pointed out words I was using and actions I was doing that were natural and long-held by me, but that were oppressive to him. I never would have thought about that without his willingness to tell me. Sometimes we may resent actions or words that another person does or says that the person doesn't realize is problematic. It's important to let people know if their actions are problematic to you--you can do that gently and with a sense of humor to make the situation more palatable.
And, deconstruct resentment when it shows up. Try to work with others to figure out where that resentment comes from. For example recently an older relative defined me in a narrow, prejudicial way by using an old time saying about women. I simply said, "Don't talk about me that way." Then I explained why that was hurtful. Deconstructing resentment can help us understand it with empathy for ourselves and others. In the workplace once, one teacher who was involved with an administrator seemed to get preferential treatment with regard to scheduling, duties, and space. While many were tasked with what seemed like oppressive expectations, the loved one appeared to have a much better situation. Was it because of the relationship? Were we imagining the special treatment? It was definitely a cause for resentment, and simply understanding that relieved some of the pressure the resentment presented. Inequality will always exist, and this inequality will be cause for resentment. To deconstruct these situations leads to understanding, and that understanding can help you to decide to live with it without resentment or to act to make the situation more just thus preventing resentment.
Like all emotions, we have to take resentment seriously. We have to figure out where it's coming from and what we can do about it. Knowing the roots of resentment is a powerful way to remove resentment from your life and the lives of others. Onward.