A few years ago a friend and I parted ways. There wasn't a big fight or any one hurtful event, but instead, a series of events that demonstrated we had different priorities in life. We simply were not finding common ground at all. I tried to open up a conversation about what was going on, but my friend was not interested in talking about it. She clearly had already made up her mind that she was moving on. I wish we could have carved out a new way of being together, but we were not able to do that.
I remember once when my mom experienced a similar parting of ways with a long-held friend. Both my mom's life and her friend's life had changed considerably--both had lots of situations, good and bad, that they were dealing with and those situations were quite different from each other. They moved on from one another after several attempts to make the friendship work.
Like my mom, it is rare for me to lose a friend. I'd like to hold on to all my friends past and present, and simply change how we get together or what we do together over time, but in some cases that's simply not possible, but fortunately with some friendships that is possible. Recently I reconnected with a very close childhood friend--we parted ways at a point in life when we were both extremely busy with dissimilar life events, but now our lives are more similar again, and there is great joy in getting together, sharing our stories, encouraging each other, and rekindling what was a very close childhood friendship.
Since I don't like to lose friends, I'm thinking about what I can do when friendships begin to show signs of wear and tear--when the seams are stretched thin.
First, it's important to listen to your friend. Know what's really going on in their life and demonstrate interest and support for that which means the most to them. In a sense, it's important to see your friend with new eyes.
Audit your friendship. There may be activities that you once shared which are no longer attractive, helpful, or comfortable for your friend. For example, recently I learned that a shared activity I enjoyed with a good friend is no longer a positive activity for her for many reasons. I need to take that activity away from our connection as it just makes her upset.
Rethink your time together--what do you both enjoy? For example, when life changes, so do your pastimes and interests. Long ago when I was heavily invested in my career and schooling, a good friend was fully invested in starting a family and living in a new community. It was difficult to relate to one another then, but our connections remained strong since when we did get together we spent a lot of time listening to each other's stories with out critique or judgement. We also didn't see each other a lot during that chapter as we were both very busy with our individual pursuits.
Be kind and upfront when the conversation or events become strained. Use a sense of humor. Don't let negativity fester. If a friend tends to continually judge you or criticize you in ways that are hurtful, simply let them know that those comments hurt your feelings. Put an end to unhelpful and hurtful conversation and actions as soon as you notice them, but do it in a sensitive, kind way.
In general, if we want to be good friends and retain our connections we have to treat our friends with utmost respect and care. We can expect a similar level of care and respect too, and have to speak up if that's eroding in any serious way.
Relationships will change over time, and if we want those relationships to last we have to recalibrate what we do and how we do it regularly to keep the connections alive. Onward.