I'm not sure why, but over time I've resisted relationship changes. I like to welcome the new, but hold on to the old too, and the reality is that little stays the same. You have to roll with life's changes by making space for the new and revising the old to fit the new landscape.
I'm not sure why I've resisted this lesson, but I think it's because I didn't have much tutoring in this area. For example, I had a lot of mentoring when it came to parenting. I spent my early life helping my mom parent my five younger siblings and many, many younger cousins and friends. I had an early start as a mom which made most of my mom tasks familiar. When it came to the changing nature of life, I had less experience. Why?
I suppose that's because my mom's and dad's life in many ways remained quite consistent. They lived in the same city their whole life and for the most part enjoyed the same associations, jobs, church, home, and family for most of their lives--there was little change and little need to discuss change. Also, as the oldest child in the family, I didn't see my siblings change much--they were younger than me, and that's how I knew them best. As we got older, we mostly went our own ways fully involved in our own lives. Now, looking back, I wish I was a little more prepared for life's changes.
How would I have prepared myself?
First, acknowledge the change. At each transition in life, relationships will change. There have been many transitions including high school to college, college to work, work to grad school, friendships to dating, dating to marriage, marriage to family, the growing and changing family, apartment to home, and more. With each change, your capacity changes including the money you have and how you send it, the people you care for and the related choices you make, and work you do and the demands of that work. You can't keep up your old ways and embrace the new ways too--change demands revision, and good revision takes thought.
Then consider your priorities with regard to the transition. For example, when my husband and I were fully involved with raising our children, we didn't leave much time for old friends. Looking back, I regret that. Our lives and our old friends lives differed greatly, yet I wish we set up a few get togethers each year to keep our connections close over time since we shared so many good times with those friends in our early years. If I had to go back in time, I'd do that. Instead we mostly broke ties due to our differences rather than find some common ground.
Also, I broke ties with a few women friends and professional acquaintances. Again, time was the critical factor--there simply wasn't enough time to raise a family, do my work, attend to my extended family, and keep my women friends close in ways that we were close in the past, but as with my husband and my friends, I could have been more creative about finding ways to keep in touch in meaningful ways.
Now that my children have grown, I've reached out to those old friends, and some have reached back. With those friends, we've found new ways to reconnect which has been wonderful. For some, it's mostly letters, for others it's walks and outdoor adventures, and still more it's dinner now and then.
My mom always told me to hold onto old friends and make new friends too, but she didn't give me too much guidance about how to do this. For many, this was probably as natural as parenting was for me, but for others, like me, it's helpful to have a road map for the many ways life changes over time. Onward.