In life there are people who match up to you well and then there are people who are mostly a mismatch. Why the matches? Why the mismatches?
I thought about this today as a person I am mismatched with came into view. The person has always intrigued me, inspired me, and interested me. I would have liked to be a friend to the person, but clearly I was a mismatch for her. Why? I think our mismatch is mainly to do with our past. Our childhoods were very different. In many ways, that woman had a privileged childhood, much more financially privileged than I did. That person had a very different early childhood family structure with regard to numbers, parenting, education, and location than me as well. In general, it seems the person simply doesn't get me mainly because she can't identify with my early life and the impact that's had on who I am and what I do in my life now. Her interests don't involve people like me, instead she gravitates towards other kinds of women. That happens.
Mismatches and matches happen with regard to families, friendships, and romance too. Think of the people you dated in life--there were likely many mismatches before you found your match or matches. Often mismatches in romance have a lot to do with timing. I remember long ago dating a guy who would probably have been a good spouse for me, but at the time while he was ready for a serious relationship, I wasn't ready at all. And of course personality, lifestyle, vision, and dreams have a lot to do with who you eventually match with since people gravitate towards those who have the personality, lifestyle, vision, and dreams they're looking for. There's chemistry too--sometimes we're simply attracted to another--we feel that biological pull.
I think it took me a while to figure out who was a good match for me mainly because my mom was always encouraging me to help others rather than to seek out friends with similar interests. There's a difference between helping and finding a true friend, and there's merit in both. True friends share your interests and want the best for you--they're not just in the relationship to compete, take, give, or because they think it''s the right thing to do. Instead they're in the relationship because it feels right and works well for the people involved.
It still hurts at older ages when you want to match with a friend and that friend doesn't' feel the same way, but it happens. When I'm the one who doesn't reciprocate the interest, it most often has to do with timing and obligation. As an individual from a big family, there's always a lot of family obligations and expectations to meet which doesn't leave a lot of time for new friends. That was even more true when I was teaching--the combination of teaching plus parenting left very little time for friendship since most of my time was spent taking care of my family and the children at school. Now that I'm retired from teaching, there's more time for friendship which is a great advantage.
Mismatches can also occur due to a lack of sensitivity--sometimes, particularly if you're rushed or unaware, you may dismiss another without intention, and this creates mismatches that can last a long time and possibly forever.
Mismatches and matches happen to all of us for all kinds of reasons as we journey the road of life. We need to think about why that happens and make changes if we think that's important, but we can't take these matches and mismatches too seriously as they do happen to everyone and it's not always crystal clear why they happen. Onward.